The Real Pat Blair

GOP Targets Boxer in Effort to Win Over California
“I am leaving, I am leaving,” but the fighter still remains.

First GOP TV Ad Portrays Bush as Strong Leader
Dems Insist Republicans Pull Bush Ad
Is it just me, or does this seem like a severe case of Mind Your Own Business?

Gore: Bush Ads ‘Not Worthy’ of Presidency
Pretty harsh criticism coming from a LOSER – who, by the way, the American people deemed ‘Not Worthy’ of Presidency.

IRS Auditing National Education Association
It turns out, shockingly, that the teachers can’t add well enough to do their taxes.

Krispy Kreme Profit Up 43 Percent
Funny, so is my cholesterol.

FDA Approves Eli Lilly’s New Impotence Drug
I’m just wondering what the laboratory tests for all of these were like.

HIV-Positive Muppet Named ‘Global Champion for Children’
Not to be closed-minded here, but how, exactly, does a Muppet contract HIV?

Men Plead Guilty to Posing as Boy Band
If I were going to steal someone’s identity, it is safe to say that I would not choose a member of the New Kids on the Block.

‘Master’ and ‘Slave’ Electronic Labels Raise Concern in L.A.
Next on Fox: When Morons Get Positions of Power! I really suggest that everyone read this article. It just goes to show that, yes, people really are THAT stupid.

Dixie Chicks Singer Still Speaking Mind
This explains why she has so little to say.

Does Watching ‘Oprah’ Cause Stress?
It sure does for me!

Qureia: Israel Must Stop Building West Bank Wall
Israel: Stop Blowing Up Our Innocent Civilians

Senate Gives Up on Energy Bill
Lazy Bums

Edwards Looks Good on Paper, But Campaign Needs Energy
If only the Senate had passed that stupid bill…

Good Samaritan Doc Shoots Suspected Killer
Yet another reason that people should be allowed to carry weapons. Don’t believe me? Read the article.

Lawyers Seek Dismissal of DeLay Subpoenas
They’d much prefer HuRry Subpoenas, instead.

High Court to Tackle Church-State Case
Justices hoping to force a fumble. And in further football news, 108th Congress Goes Into Overtime. I love Thanksgiving weekend.

Kucinich Supporters Can ‘Adopt an Intern’
Clinton wonders: why didn’t I think of that???

Dell to Stop Using Indian Call Center for Corporate Customers
They will get the upgraded John Wayne Cowboy Call Center service.

‘Reagans’ filmmakers: CBS ruined movie
If only you hadn’t given them an opportunity by first ruining the story.

Wu-Tang Clan reuniting
Cops on stand-by.

Georgian Presidential Election Set for Jan. 4
Those southerners are so arrogant. Why can’t they just say “Governor” like everyone else?

Ringo to Be Honorary Santa Tracker
It’s also nice to know that the living ex-Beatles are cherishing their celebrity.

Top UK judge slams Guantanamo
We’ll see how he feels when someone flies a plane into HIS house. The second MYOB award of the week.

Bush: Turkey Major Front in Terror War
Blair: Turkey Major Part in Thanksgiving Dinner

Deep-Fried Turkey Can Be Delicious, Dangerous
Once it loses its temper… look out!

Cranberries Grow Beyond Sauce
It’s nice to know that the 12-step program worked out well.

Third-Quarter GDP Revised Full Point Upward
Consumer Confidence Soars to 14-Month High
Durable-Goods Orders Up Sharply
Jobless claims hit 33-month low
I thought we’d end on some good news. Just in case you weren’t paying attention, or were watching the TV News and they failed to mention it, or your brain malfunctioned after too much stuffing, we’re in the middle of a massive economic recovery. Just thought you’d like to know. So go out and check out the sales, buy some stuff, and further stimulate the economy, and I’ll be back on Monday.

Greetings, all. In spite of the poor Packer performance (alliteration, +3), I hope everyone is having a wonderful Thanksgiving. I know I said that I was going to have Mona Charen be a guest columnist today, but I’ve changed my mind. While she did write a wonderful article about how we should turn off the TV, it seemed a bit TOO timely given the amount of football that I’m watching this weekend (though you all should still read it anyway). So instead, I’d like to share something from the sermon last night at church. I realize that after that last sentence no one is still reading this, but that’s OK.
I went to church with my family, and, during the message, the pastor shared a story about an incident that he had very recently witnessed in the Chicago O’Hare Airport. As he was walking past a ticket counter, he overheard a lady frantically explaining that she had left her book on her last flight, and that it was incredibly important that she get it back. The clerk was trying to be helpful, but Ms. Forgetful had really worked herself up. She couldn’t remember what seat she had been in, or even what the flight number was, but she did manage to calm herself enough to give her name and travel plans to the clerk so that the information could be looked up. Next question: what was the title of the book, ma’am? Her reply? “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff.” My pastor concluded the anecdote by saying that there are 3 big things: life, death, and salvation. Everything else is the ’small stuff.’
I am pretty good about maintaining my perspective on things, but even I can sometimes get sucked into the trap of overemphasizing the small stuff, in spite of everything. This is a mistake. I want to encourage everyone to take today to forget about all of the small stuff for a while. The first Thanksgiving was a time when the Pilgrims, instead of worrying, gave thanks to God for his blessings, for the Big Stuff. I’m going to try to do the same.

Some Biblical analysis:

Proverbs 27:14 (NIV) – If a man loudly blesses his neighbor early in the morning, it will be taken as a curse.

I read this the other day and was immediately amused. A strange reaction, I know, but it comes from a strange man. On face, this seems to be a pretty straightforward proverb, but a little analysis actually leads me to think otherwise. The amazing thing about the sentence is the use of adjectives and adverbs. Check it (80’s rap reference, +3):

If a man blesses his neighbor, it will be taken as a curse.

This clearly means something completely different, which indicates the importance of the adwords (invented word, +10) in the passage. This importance is further emphasized if you try to remove only one of the adwords: again, you get 2 sentences with 2 completely different meanings. So, if we strip it down and perform a little critical analysis, we arrive at the Pat’s Simplified Version translation:

Proverbs 27:14 (PSV) – If it is before 10am, BE QUIET!

I realize this seems a bit strange – I mean, I was shocked – but, when reading this verse at 5:15am, it really does make a lot of sense. If anyone else has any other interpretations, I’m open to them, but, unless its one of those stupid translation things, I can’t see how it could possibly mean anything else. It’s nice to know that I’ve actually been following (and enforcing) a Proverb fairly for some time.

***

So tomorrow I will probably enlist the services of a guest columnist (I’m thinking Mona Charen) since I will be busy eating and watching football, and also, I’m thinking that Matt is right and no one actually reads these over non-school periods. At least I know who my target audience is… speaking of which, anyone want to advertise here? I’ve got a great demographic, and it’s growing by leaps and bounds. Seriously. Give me money. Thanks.
No worries, though, I’ll be back on Friday. Have a good, safe Thanksgiving!

***

Check out Proverbs 27:14 (MSG). I don’t want to be arrogant, here, nor do I want to say that The Message is a reliable translation, but, upon further research, it seems that I may just be right. Son of a gun.

Recently it seems like I’ve been reading more and more about a new “trend” (if you can call it that) among “men” (if you can call them that). These “men,” not to be confused with GUYS, have declared themselves “metrosexuals,” which means that, even though they are straight, they act like they are not. So instead of drinking beer, watching football, and not shaving, these men are drinking (and reading, probably) cosmos, shopping for designer clothes, and having their eyebrows waxed.
Apparently, according to an article I read the other day, this trend has now spread to Latin America. On one hand, I don’t find this very surprising (stereotypical images of guys like Fez instantly pop into my mind). On the other hand, I have a pedicure. I mean, WAIT, NO! On the other hand, it is very disheartening to hear that men in land of masculinity have started worrying about things like cuticles and fashion trends. What has gone wrong, and how did it happen? I’m not intolerant (most of the time), but shouldn’t it be an insult, or at least a cause for concern, when a straight man hears, “You’re acting so gay?”
Apparently these Queer Eye for the Straight Guy wannabes have become convinced that a great way to pick up chicks is to act gay. I know, it makes no sense, but stay with me. Again, this is all stuff that I’ve overheard, but, once past the surface, it almost makes a little sense. Almost. But women fell for it – not surprising since every woman has to have the token gay friend, and, admittedly, there is probably some appeal to having a less slob-like boyfriend. And for a short time all was well. Men spent money on skin-care products, the economy grew, and women had neat and tidy boyfriends that looked like Calvin Klein models. Even Howard Dean claimed to be a metrosexual, though he later admitted having no idea what it meant (obviously a guy I want running my country). But then things started to unravel.
It turns out women were not really all that thrilled with having to share the bathroom with a guy who spent more time on personal grooming than they did. And it may have been cute for awhile, but men who are scared of spiders is really not that attractive. And when there’s a fight guy (excuse me, man) tries to defend the girl by slapping everyone… well, not good. In addition, it turns out that the gay community wasn’t real happy about their territory being poached on. Yet the trend continues.
Guys hate them, gays hate them, girls hate them; it doesn’t seem like an enviable position, so why do these weenies persist, even with an air of snobbery? I think I’ve figured it out, though. The way to stop this foolishness is to no longer concede to the trendy title of “Metrosexual.” I’m going to call a spade a spade: guys, you’re not metro, you are self-centered, self-conscious, insecure and inadequate. No one likes you, not even your stylist. Stop acting like wusses. That is all.

I’m sure that it will come as no great surprise to anyone that I spend a great deal of time reading news. I am a reformed cable news junkie: I don’t have cable anymore, so I surf the internet, staying up to the minute about all that is fit to print, and also a fair amount of news that is not. All of this has, in recent days, led me to one conclusion: I am sick of looking at Michael Jackson. Ochuk alluded to this recently, but I think his reasoning is a bit higher minded than mine; I just don’t want to hear about it any more. Everything that has happened in the past week could be condensed to roughly one report, lasting no more than 15 seconds, but I have instead been bombarded by nothing but headlines (alliteration, +15) for the last 120 hours.
So, you might ask, what am I going to do about this? I am going to instate a rule, a ban on Michael Jackson stories. Those of you who remember the O.J. trial (way back in the day before he was searching for real killers (read: golfing (triple parenthesis, -9 points))) will recall that Rush Limbaugh did something similar. He created a “No O.J. None of the Time” rule, which made any discussion on the Juice and his legal problems (i.e. killing his ex-wife) strictly verboten. The only problem is the horrid grammar of that statement. If I instated a “No Michael Jackson None of the Time” policy, it would mean, thanks to a double negative, that I would be forced to do “Michael Jackson all of the Time.” This is boring – everyone else is already doing the same thing. How to I solve a double negative and still maintain the beautiful flow of the statement? Easy… triple negative!!!
Welcome to the new and improved policy: Ain’t No M.J. None of the Time (due to the fact that this is a policy statement, no further point scores will be assessed for the wonderful creativity/terrible usage of the English language beyond the initial -148). So we have a new rule, now what? Well, we follow the lead of Congress and make up exceptions. All headlines are valid targets for the weekly “Leftovers.” I would be a fool to let all of that good material go to waste. The other exception is that if something newsworthy actually happens, I may choose to draw attention to it. However, I wouldn’t hold your breath for that one. For anyone who really cares deeply about what is going on, I recommend the Roger Friedman’s Fox411, which seems to scoop just about everyone else on a daily basis. I also recommend, of course, beating your head against a brick wall a few times, just to see if you can knock some sense into yourself.
So, from now on, remember this: AIN’T NO M.J. NONE OF THE TIME!

***

Speaking of Michael Jackson, tomorrow we’ll be discussing metrosexuals. Should be fun!

Man, Pay Phone Rushed to Hospital
Lawyer, Cell Phone Chase Ambulance the Whole Way

Afghan Skirmish Kills Five Foreign Terrorists
Pillow Fight Wounds Seventeen

Britons Shocked — at Royal Interior Decorating
Americans Shocked — that the British are such a bunch of pansies.

Johnny Depp Named ‘Sexiest Man Alive’
Once again, Pat Blair is not included on the list… scandalous!

President Clinton Releases List of Favorite Books
Unfortunately, none of them actually have words. (The list does, however, include “Moral Man and Immoral Society: A Study in Ethics and Politics,” by Reinhold Niebuhr. I’m still amazed at what a smug, arrogant SOB Clinton is.) In related news…

Pamela Anderson to Launch Clothing Line
It would probably sell better if she’d start wearing some.

Man Chokes to Death on Bag of Pot
Empirical proof: drugs will kill you.

State ordered to buy car for short man
Will they buy musical instruments for a wiseacre man, too?

Magazine accuses Eminem of racism
Rest of World Yawns.

This was a BAD week for celebrities:

Phil Spector Charged With Murder
First Paul releases Let It Be… Naked, and now this.

Michael Jackson Booked for Child Molestation
Look at that mug shot and tell me it doesn’t make you sick to your stomach. I will then tell you that you are a liar.

Case Reflects Rivalry Between Jackson, DA
No, I’m fairly sure the case reflects the fact that Michael assaults little boys.

Jermaine Jackson: Brother’s arrest a ‘modern-day lynching’
This argument would make a lot more sense if Michael wasn’t white.

Meat Loaf Collapses on London Stage
Clearly not left in the oven long enough.

Jerry Lewis in rehab over steroids
Look at the picture – I’m fairly certain that he just ate Marlon Brando.

Oldest Hanson Brother Being Treated for Blood Clot
Rest of World Yawns.

Grammy-winning composer Michael Kamen dies at 55
He was a very important and talented man; the problem is, now he has to reap the punishment for a double-live album featuring Metallica and a symphony.

Supermodel Naomi Campbell Sued for Assault
I didn’t read this, but I’m pretty sure it involves a gust of wind lifting her up and throwing her at people. I could be wrong. Maybe she really is a 90-pound menace.

Patrick Swayze to Join Cast of ‘Chicago’
Innocuous though it may seem, this can’t be good news for anyone. Patrick Blair to stay as far away as possible.

For someone who is anti-war, Henry Rollins did a remarkable job of distinguishing himself from those that are ostensibly pro-terror (like many of the Democrat presidential candidates). However, his rational for why we went to war absolutely infuriated me. Rollins said that the way to determine motivation, especially for our current executives, was to follow the money-trail and to see who was getting in no the back end of the deal (he also discussed this in an interview with the ISU Daily). And who might this be? Why, Halliburton, of course! This is the part of the show where I almost stood up and started arguing with him.
Rollins also spent a great deal of time explaining that, in the internet age, there was no excuse have a question and not know the answer. Absolutely anything you could ever want to know about any topic is available with minimal effort – no libraries, no big, ugly books, no late nights, no microfilm – it’s all right in front of you. I agree with him completely on this point. This is why I almost stood up to take him to task over his Halliburton assessment.
In a mere 15 seconds of searching on the internet, I discovered that, since mid-2001, shares of Halliburton are down to $23 from a high of around $50. It has hovered around $20 per share since January of 2003. If Bush went to war to make money for Halliburton, he sure did a poor job of it. They haven’t made any money.
In fact, if Dick Chaney is nothing more than a purchase that Halliburton made, the decision to purchase him was a rather poor one. They’ve lost all sorts of money since he’s been in office. Whoever bought Chaney should be fired, because he sure hasn’t paid off. Maybe they should try to buy a Democrat in the 2004 election; it might work out better for them. It probably couldn’t be much worse than what they ended up with this time: less money and more PR problems. These aren’t difficult conclusions to reach, but apparently Mr. Rollins is only in to reading and learning about one side of a story.
Like yesterday, this is starting to sound rude and snippy, but I find such uninformed blather really frustrating. I don’t believe that Bush woke up in the middle of the night with a sudden revelation about our need to go into Iraq. But I do believe that he is aware of what he’s asking our troops to do. I believe that he saw a need to act, both for the safety of Americans and Iraqis, and he did. It doesn’t take any guts to go with the status quo, but he went out on a limb to do what he felt was right, and Rollins thanks him (for removing an evil tyrant, mind you) by inventing conspiracy theories. You’d expect this from a politician, but not from someone who claims to be neither a Democrat nor Republican, but, instead, a thinking man and an intelligent activist. So I guess maybe I’m just picking up what Henry taught me. I’m not being a jerk, I just saw something that was not right, and instead of moping about it, I got angry. And now I’m yelling “BULL” as loudly as I can.

***

One more thing from yesterday: the motivation for “being cool” is driven by the belief that ALL police and court officials are the “enemy,” and are interested in nothing more than assaulting and arresting innocent civilians. This is just silly, and Henry should be embarrassed for even thinking along these guys.
Also, if the underlying motivation for being “cool” is to cause anarchy, doesn’t that mean, by definition, that you’re not actually being “cool?” Sorry, didn’t mean to bug ya.

***

I’ll be out of town for awhile this weekend, so the Leftovers may be late. Don’t worry, they’ll be there, and there’s lots of good stuff this week.

I went and saw Henry Rollins last night. There are a lot of news items in the world to be talked about (terrorism and Michael Jackson, just to name a couple), but I want to get to this while it is still fresh in my head. As I predicted, I laughed a lot at the Rollins show, and I’m glad I went, but I was also pretty upset when I left. Angry, even. There was one moment when I actually almost stood up and started arguing with him. Fortunately, better judgment prevailed, but I will probably tell you all about that one tomorrow. Today, we’ll discuss his main point of the evening: be cool to each other.
That actually seems to be his underlying point every time he talks. It seems like a logical enough idea, but last night his underlying motives for telling everyone to be cool just baffled me. He shared a story about being called to jury duty, and just being amazed at the monumental size of the ‘legal industry’ in Los Angeles. It doesn’t surprise me since it’s a city made up of gang members, drug addicts, prostitutes, and Hollywood types (not to be redundant), but it got Henry’s attention, especially the number of people who were employed by the system: cops, bailiffs, judges, lawyers, clerks, and so on. This is where it gets wacky.
Rollins thinks that our society is built to perpetuate crime so that all of these people can stay employed, and that those in power (the “haves”) can stay there and rule over those not in power (the “have-nots”). Furthermore, he thinks the counter-culture, independent, rock-and-roll thing to do is for everyone to be cool to each other, which would put all of these law-people out of jobs and cause a revolution. I paraphrase (badly): “You want to go protest and throw a rock through a window, but that’s what they want; then they can bust you, fine you, and throw you in jail. So instead, just be cool, hug someone, and it’ll screw everything up.” Fascinating. OK, let’s take this little philosophy and break it down.
First of all, this is completely unreasonable. It is a pipe dream. But, for the sake of some critical thinking – because that is, after all, what Rollins wants people to do – let’s assume that everyone stops committing crimes, stops being jerks, and becomes “cool.” What would the repercussions be? First of, one Mr. Henry Rollins would be out of a job, because there would be nothing to be angry about anymore. But wait, there’s more. Rollins says that it would be revolutionary because all of these cops and lawyers and judges would be jobless, but that is a pretty shortsighted perspective. Can you imagine what would happen to the economy if all the criminals suddenly became productive instead of being a drain on resources? All of the money that is spent on keeping criminals in jail would be available for other things (how ’bout some more tax cuts?).
If the “coolness” happened instantly, it would certainly cause transitional difficulties, but the overall net gain would be tremendous. It’s not like all of these people would just decide, “Crap, now I’m out of work. Well, I’m screwed; I’d better give up on life.” We would have EVERY lawyer, judge, cop, not to mention EVERY criminal available to enter the job market and start pumping money and productivity into our economy. It would end up being capitalism on steroids, which, I get the feeling, is NOT the ends which Henry wants to achieve. These criminals would probably all drive giant SUV’s, too, which would be great for the environment, too (generalizations are fun because they make people mad, right?). It seems to me that someone who spends a lot of time gathering knowledge and learning as much as he can (I’ll get to that tomorrow, too) should have thought this through a little more thoroughly before giving a 2-hour lecture.
With all of that said, I will admit that being cool to one another is certainly a noble goal (I think I read about it somewhere once), but it does seem a little unrealistic coming from someone with so much knowledge and experience regarding human interaction – he should know better than to try to build a utopian society. It also seems a bit disingenuous coming from a man who will deride, insult, and otherwise abuse artists, politicians, and other public figures in his next breath. I don’t mean to be condescending or arrogant; I’m just trying to follow Mr. Rollins directions: if something sucks, if there’s a squeaky wheel, do something about it. This is my feeble attempt.
Tomorrow: why he was wrong about President Bush.

We broke the 200 comment mark last night, and the 30 post mark last Saturday. I am so proud. I don’t think I’ve ever been able to do something with consistency for a month straight in my entire life, other than maybe eat and sleep (this from the guy who a day ago was ranting about work ethic). Anyway, to celebrate this monumental occasion, and also because I’m tired, today shall be a Fox Trot day.

Ahh, Fox Trot r0×0rz my b0×0rz. Don’t forget, Henry Rollins is tonight at Stephens in Ames. I know that I will laugh incredibly hard, and probably be very angry when I leave. Good times, I guess.

Yesterday’s Seattle Times had an interesting article: “Economy Delays Adult Life for Recent College Graduates.” This is interesting because there appear to be several things wrong in the title alone, much less the article. But since I am a recent College Graduate (and am often accused of being “old,” or an “adult,” or a “community member,” or a “sissy la la“), I thought that I would read on and see what they have to say.
The good news is that, according to a University of Chicago survey, adulthood now begins at 26. This means that, in spite of the fact that I have a full-time job, rent to pay, taxes to pay, and backside to kiss, I still qualify as a juvenile (also evidenced by my sense of humor). Fortunately, I no longer live with my parents. I love them very much, and I enjoy seeing my family, but I think that if I moved back home with them, I would go completely insane. And so would they. And that’s the way it should be. The article hints at some of the friction, but I think that these parents and kids aren’t doing their jobs if they aren’t ready to kill each other. As I said, though, the good news is that I’m still a kid – just an overgrown one with expendable income and a driver’s license. Which, actually, may very well be the problem with a lot of the subjects in the article.
Rush touched on this briefly yesterday (welcome back, chief), but I think the issue here is that there are a bunch of children (that IS really what they are, after all) who have been pampered for their entire lives. So when they get out of college and the world doesn’t line up to meet their every need and whim (the way their parents always have), it’s back to the comfort of home while they wait for things to fall into place. Clearly I made a mistake when I entered the insurance industry: I should go back home, get a job working 20 hours a week, and wait to become a rock star. The message to parents should be clear: teach your kids work ethic, teach them that the world doesn’t owe them anything, and once they are done with college… out the door. If they don’t go to college… out the door. Kids: if you need money… get another job, and learn to live within your means. A $100 monthly cell phone bill is NOT a NEED. It’s hardly even a “really good to have,” it’s a LUXURY. PRIORITIZE!
In addition to ALL of this, the Economy is no longer in a downturn. I don’t know if anyone else has been paying attention, but unemployment is down and everything else (the Dow, productivity, interest rates) is up. We’re in the midst of a massive recovery and everyone is whining and moaning. Maybe instead of moping around and staring at their shoes, these people should, I don’t know, read a newspaper?? This headline should be “Booming Economy Ruins Plans of Young Adults to Behave Like Worthless Turds!”
Whoa. I’m starting to sound like a crusty old man.