The Real Pat Blair

It was a question I spent a great deal of time contemplating: “Would you like to Biggie-Size that for only 39 cents more?” Actually, I spent no time whatsoever thinking about it, at least initially. I politely declined and pulled forward to the next window. Having too much free time on my hands, however, I got to thinking (never a good sign) about the seemingly simple question. I hear it every time I go out to eat, but it didn’t used to be that way. A decade ago, when many of my readers were still teething, no one asked about Monster-Sizing. Now it seems like they do it everywhere, even at the nicest restaurants that I go to, like Applebee’s. Or Subway.
The reason that no one asked a decade ago (maybe longer, it gets kinda fuzzy) was because the dreaded Combo Meal had not yet been invented. That’s right, kids, back in my day, when you went to Burger King, you had to ask for everything individually: a burger, fries, and a drink. The cashier would then slowly press the 3 buttons on the register, averaging about 6 mistakes, to get your total. So the Combo was a logical business decision, because it greatly reduced the amount of time and effort required from both the cashier and the customer, and it also reduced the average mistakes-per-order to 5.
There was another reason, though. The introduction of the combo meal caused many people to get slightly larger orders. Prior to this, my mother would always get a small drink and fries with her burger. The combo upgraded her to medium, but it’s OK, because it was only like 39 cents more, and besides, it’s easy. I don’t think you can even get small fries anymore. Maybe not even medium, either. Size options are Large, Massive, and Ludicrous. What does this accomplish? People are now accustomed to eating ludicrous amounts of food. For only 39 cents more, roughly.
So now comes the real question: if it’s ONLY 39 cents, and thus, not that big of a deal at all, why do they ask me every single time? Well, how many orders does a national fast food chain take in a year? I haven’t checked the McDonalds sign recently, but I would guess that millions and millions are served. Multiply that by $0.39. There’s your answer.
I would also contend that $0.39 really is a significant amount of money. My total last night was $5.61. Biggie-sizing would have resulted in a 7% price increase, which is a pretty significant amount. Who in corporate guru wouldn’t want to automatically increase sales revenues by 7%? And the best part is, costs don’t change significantly. Honestly, do you really think the extra 4 ounces of soda are setting them back that much?
Over the span of roughly 10 years, we’ve increased the size of our drinks and fries from small to ludicrous. Anyone wonder why Americans are obese? It’s because everyone sits around and reads the Internet all day instead of exercising, but I digress. And what caused this problem? Well, my mom has started just ordering a drink and a burger again when she goes out, but she’s the only one. Everyone else just shells out the “little bit” of extra cash. Not very bright, eh? What’s missing from the equation? I have never witnessed this, but I’ve been told that you can get beer at fast food restaurants in other countries (Germany, Ireland, France, Arkansas). Hmmm. Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life.
BUT going around blaming other people for your problems is no way to go through life, either. I say +10 to the food economists for coming up with an amazing business strategy and -5 to all of us for falling for it, face first. The answer is not litigation. In most civilized countries, you would be laughed at and mocked if you sued someone else because YOU were dumb. On the other hand, in most civilized countries, people don’t put hot coffee between their legs while driving. So maybe that’s a wash.
What you SHOULD do, though, is get off your biggie-sized posterior and take a walk. Get some exercise. It’s been above freezing for about 2 weeks now in Iowa, and over 40 degrees for the last 3 days. Heck, we’ve only got like 6 inches of snow left in our front yard. It’s beautiful out there. Do something productive for once. As for me, I’m going to finish this 42 ounce Frosty and then take a nap. It’s hard work eating all of that food, and I think I’ve earned it.

Yesterday I was reminded, very politely and gently, that I am a clod. You see, I posted this mildly insightful, mildly amusing, mildly smelly, mostly navel-gazing bit about dorks. It was mostly meant to get the wheels turning in heads (mine and yours) about social interactions, as well as get a few cheap laughs. It was brought to my attention, far too late, of course, that some people could read it and take it very personally. This did not occur to me because, as previously noted, I am a clod. And an insensitive one, at that. I should really get a proof-reader.
I think my first mistake was using the word, “dork.” Well, no, my first mistake was getting out of bed, and that was just for the day, but let’s not get ahead (or behind, as the case may be) of ourselves. That can stir up a lot of connotations (dorks, not getting out of bed), many of which are hurtful, and most of which were not really what I intended. I think that “buffoon” might have been a better choice. Or “people that annoy me.” But I couldn’t really write about how annoying people that annoy me are, could I? Not in so many words, anyway. But rest assured, loyal readers, that I was not referring to any of you.
You are, after all, loyal readers, which means that you are also, by definition, very erudite individuals. I cater only to the smartest, and simply by reading, you are constantly becoming even more informed about a myriad of important topics. Like herring farts. I also contend that if you felt hurt, offended, or insulted by what I was saying, I was not talking about you. In fact, I was talking about no specific person, at all. But, for the record, the type of person I was thinking of would read my blog and think, “Yeah, those dorks really annoy me!” So if that was your response… well, that’s OK, it was mine, too.
So what does that make me? Other than an insensitive clod? A dork? A hypocrite? A writer who can’t clearly express his point? An abuser of rhetorical questions? All of the above? The point I was trying to make is, while it is good to try and not make any major social faux pas, it is also good to not worry about what others are doing. I was trying to hold up a mirror, but unfortunately, I broke it in the process, I think. What a dork. And insensitive clod. And intolerant jerk, too, apparently. Sentence fragments bad.
Anyway, I will close by apologizing, and then telling a seemingly irrelevant story. I’m sorry if you were hurt or offended. Yes, really. I apologize (hangs head). When I was in high school (back in the mid-twenties), I played in the brilliantly named ska band Albino Death Wheel. There moments of greatness, but were, for the most part, somewhere between mediocre and shady. We did, however, have a lot of fun in the process. One of the best compliments I ever got came from a very talented musician who I respect a lot. After seeing a show, he said (roughly): “The problem with most bands is that they try to be something they’re not. You guys know how good you are, you know what you are, so you go up there and do it, and do it really well.”
My point is this: be what you are. If someone suggests that, in the future, you consider not breaking wind at the opera, take it into consideration (man, that’s two flatulence jokes in one day, this thing’s going to … POT!). Having a little social grace is a good thing, and will serve you well later in life. On the other hand, don’t be embarrassed for liking DOS or My Little Pony (well, maybe that one, we’ll see) - go with what works. Don’t take yourself too seriously, because no one else probably does. If you mess up occasionally, that’s OK, too. Blame it on the tuba player.

I have a confession to make: I don’t like hanging out with dorks. I’ve only become more acutely aware of this recently, and I’m not sure quite what to think about it. You know the types of people that I’m talking about: it could be said that they need more maturity, or perhaps that they are lacking some basic social graces, or maybe that they are big nerds. Regardless of the nomenclature, I’ve realized that I don’t like socializing with these people.
My first reaction is to feel terrible. This is not a very healthy attitude, especially coming from a reformed dork (I do still use words like “nomenclature,” after all). People are people, right? And we’re all created equally, at least according to the Constitution of the United States (unless you are a fetus or a minority, in which case you may lose or gain special privileges, but that is beside the point), so I should be just as content hanging out with dorks as I would if I were hanging out with, say, Michael Jordon and Brad Pitt. Yet it would seem that this is not the case.
Is it my fault? It bothers me when people open their mouths and say things that are completely inappropriate, or act in ways that “normal” people would clearly find unacceptable. I think it bothers me even more when people are completely oblivious to the fact that they are behaving like social outcasts. Just because you are one doesn’t mean that you should act like one. Yes, I can be a bit short-tempered and thin-skinned, but I still think it’s more than that.
The most frightening thing occurs to me: am I so self-conscious that I am embarrassed to be seen, to be associated with these people? Clearly, this could not be the case. As I said, I’m a former dork, so I have little dignity remaining. Also, I am fairly self-confident. Aren’t I? At least I think I am. Maybe. It’s embarrassing for me to think that I could be embarrassed to be seen in public with a buffoon. This couldn’t possibly be right. Could it?
I really have only one thing to say about that: “The Old Country Buffoons” would be an excellent name for a rock band.

President Bush laid out his agenda/platform for re-election today. In completely unrelated and equally non-earth-shattering news, The Lone Strangers spent a large portion of Monday night recording a demo. Having listened just briefly to the results of the evening, it is my prediction, as well great hope, that these tracks will never see the light of day (other than being attached to the application for which they were recorded, after which, they will, with any luck, quickly be destroyed). I do want to thank Scott Hanson for taking a big chunk of time out of his night to record us, as well as a big chunk out of his tomorrow to mix. Ahem. MORE GUITARS!!!
In news that is somewhat related - it pertains to music - I purchased the most recent Blink-182 CD after being dragged, kicking and screaming, into Best Buy last weekend. Having listened to it about 17,000 times since Saturday, I would like to upgrade my previous review from “Really Good” to “Really, Really Good.” The amount of songwriting growth is absolutely astounding. Drummer Travis Barker finally steals the spotlight completely on this album, and deservedly so. How many ‘punk’ albums do you know of that end with a drum solo… of dueling snares? The band also makes excellent use of both new and old technology and recording techniques to get some pretty cool tones.
While they may not be as cool as this guy, I do have to suggest that you give the album a listen.

I may be a Buddhist after all. Further reinforcing my beliefs in Karma, Ralph Nader has, once again, decided to run for President of these fine United States of Whatever. Much to the surprise of no one in particular. Nader’s announcement managed to breathe some life into a weekend that would have otherwise been fairly eventless, and yet simultaneously entirely too short, so I can’t complain. In other breaking news, yesterday occurred.
Nader, as you probably don’t recall, got 2.7% of the popular vote in 2000, and thus secured his place in history as the 10th most unfairly blamed person for Gore’s defeat (right behind the 9 Supreme Court justices). I don’t think Nader deserves the blame - Gore and Clinton can fight over who gets what percentage of that - but I think it’s nice to watch people sweat over it. It’s also fun to whisper “Perot” in the ears of sleeping Democrats, just to watch them quiver. Never mind the fact that H. Ross Perot, in addition to having much larger ears than Nader, also pulled in a much bigger portion of the vote (18.9% in ‘92, 8.4% in ‘96), both are equally ridiculous characters, so it’s fun to draw comparisons.
Best spin of the day: in the simultaneous responses of panic and nonchalance, some are trying to say that Nader running as an independent won’t be a factor in the way that Nader running as a Green Party candidate was; he won’t have the support of an established party. Yes, that support of an established party sure would be nice. I bet Nader spends nights awake, wishing that he’d had it at some point. No matter, he’s campaigning, as he always does, on the needs and concerns of regular Americans. Concerns (as outlined in the Green Party platform) such as Ecological Wisdom, Feminism, and Gender Equity. If I could only count the nights that I spend awake, worrying about ecological wisdom.
I could go on all day, but it’s just too easy to take pot-shots. I’ve probably already given more attention, and wasted more 1’s and 0’s, than the man deserves. In the end, I think Nader’s run accomplishes three things.
-He gives the disenfranchised Dean-iacs someone to vote for.
-He causes a massive distraction for Terry McAuliffe and whoever wins the Democratic nomination (Kerry).
-He provides a much needed comic relief reliever for Al Sharpton.
So I say run, Ralph, run! But, just like Stephen Hawking in a marathon, since your chances aren’t all that great, anyway, try not to hurt yourself.

It’s time to talk about sports again. Why? Because I can, that’s why. First off, there’s big baseball news this week. Maddux is back to the Cubs and A-Rod went to the Yankees. Yawn. If A-Rod could pitch, that might be amazing, but the only thing that deal has accomplished is throwing more fuel on the fire of the Boston Red Sox (perennial American League Losers). Meanwhile, Maddux’s return to Chicago has left many believing that the perennial National League Losers could end up meeting their AL counterparts in the World Series. I hope everyone gets right with God before then, because a Red Sox/Cubs Series would open up a tear in the space-time continuum and possible result in the death of every first-born. According to God, some teams just aren’t supposed to win the World Series. Even the atheists believe that.
But the REALLY controversial baseball news is that - are you ready for this - Barry Bonds’ trainer got busted for having steroids. The fact that anyone is treating this as really big news is completely beyond my scope of understanding. In 1991, Barry Bonds had a build more slight than mine. And I was in 6th grade! I kid you not, he was listed at something like 6ft, 185lbs, and was known for his speed, agility, and ability to turns base-hits into doubles. None of this is secret information, yet sports reporters have to act shocked and just mildly outraged that cheating MAAAAY have taken place in professional baseball. It is a bit absurd. I thought that, after 50 years, the reason that everyone suddenly starting hitting 70 homeruns a season had something to do with quality weight training. Or because, as the Earth has flown through space, it has lost some mass, so that there’s less gravity to contend with. Yeah, that seems just as reasonable.
In other ridiculous sporting news, Iowa State still can’t win a road basketball game. It’s really frustrating, because they are so good so much of the time, especially at home, and then they go on the road and make 3 turnovers on their first 3 possessions. And 10 in the first 10 minutes. Again. And don’t play defense. Again. Don’t even get me started on rebounds. I’m no basketball coach, but it seems to be that if no one boxes out Ricky Paulding, he’s probably going to get a lot of second chance points. And if you let Arthur Johnson, a nearly-300 lb. senior, within 2 feet of the basket without putting a body on him, he’s probably going to get a lot of easy points. And, AND if you put your 7ft tall 125 lb senior bench warmer into the game with 10 minutes left in the FIRST half, something is seriously wrong. Especially when he is AN IMPROVEMENT!!!
But, with all of that said, how many people thought that Iowa State would see any success this year? With the controversial dismissal of a head coach, followed by the slow, agonizing process of hiring your 5th choice to replace him, Iowa State was picked to finish 10th in the Big 12. And I’m getting frustrated that they probably won’t make the NCAA tournament. I should be ecstatic that they’re going to get more than 1 game of post season play at all. Congratulations to Wayne Morgan on getting the opportunity of a lifetime, on a fluke, and then running with it. He’s got my nomination for Big 12 Coach of the Year.

There was an article in Sunday’s Des Moines Register (+5 to Case Doorn for passing this on and being ahead of the curve, -3 for admittedly having never read this blog) that I am still trying to get my head around. I really recommend that you read the entire article, but here is the short version: if you get a moving violation in Cass County, Iowa, you can get out of it by pleading to non-moving violations and paying a substantially greater fine. An example from the article:

(County Attorney James) Barry regularly sends violators a letter in which he lays out the terms for a deal: “I will reduce the ticket,” he writes, “in increments of 5 mph. Each 5 mph costs $147.” The payments - some of which are $155 per increment - are processed as fines assigned to defective-equipment violations. Those violations are selected by the defendants themselves and can be chosen from a list of “possible nonmoving violations” supplied by Barry.
With that list comes a stern directive from the prosecutor, instructing each defendant to provide an affidavit, or a sworn statement. In those affidavits, the defendants claim to have committed the defective-equipment violations. “Without the affidavit, there can be no deal,” Barry tells them.
Once the court clerk receives the money and the sworn statement, a clerk writes tickets that correspond to the predetermined fines and violations. Barry then signs the tickets under a line that says, “I certify under penalty of perjury and pursuant to the laws of the State of Iowa that the preceding is true and correct.”

This means that if I get pulled over for driving 75 in a 65mph zone, I can swear that I had faulty brake lights (or headlights, seatbelts, wipers, tires, etc) and pay $294 to get out of a $43 speeding ticket. What are the benefits of this? The county makes substantially more money, and I avoid higher insurance premiums, or possibly losing my license, if I am a repeat offender. Not too shabby. What are the potential problems? A County Attorney tacitly encouraging perjury. Unfairly skewing insurance records, penalizing good drivers. Whether or not the practice is unethical, it sure looks bad. There are many more.
Some have argued that the system is unfair because it allows the rich to get out of their tickets. I’m not sure that I agree with this argument. According to Cass County, the two punishments are the legal equivalent, so it’s not like one is worse than the other. My objection is that the two are NOT equal punishments: obviously there are many who would rather pay substantially higher fines, and these people are generally doing so to avoid losing their licenses. This is an enormous moral hazard. The system allows, if not encourages, bad driving, and bad drivers staying on the road, endangering others.
What Barry is doing is legal, and, while citizens pretend to be appalled by that fact, none of them really complain when they’re getting off the hook for speeding. So, while there is much feigned outrage, no one is really doing anything about it, which is understandable. I guess the thing that bothers me most is knowing that there are people driving around in Cass County who, anywhere else in the world, would have had their licenses revoked long ago. I’m just a simple caveman, so I don’t understand these fine legal points that people are talking about. But I do hope that something changes before someone gets killed by a guy who has 17 defective brake lights and 6 bad windshield wipers on his 1 motorcycle.

***

Side note: I am thinking about going to evening publishing. Why? Because this is really early in the morning, and I don’t get paid enough, that’s why. It turns out that this is entry 100, so becoming a night owl seems like an appropriate enough way to celebrate. Thoughts? Objections?

Well, what have we here? It turns out that all of the dirty little boys were right: showers are bad for you. UC Boulder microbiologist Dr. Norman Pace recently did a study and found that he has too much free time on his hands. Just kidding, what he actually found is that his salary is paid by a bunch of suckers, i.e. taxpayers. Wait, that’s not right, either. But it’s just as reasonable.
Pace decided one day, possible after sniffing too many lab chemicals, to scrape off his shower curtain and put the soap scum under a microscope. You mean it’s never occurred to YOU to try that? Anyway, Pace found that - brace yourself - there’s a lot of gross stuff on your shower curtain. This seems common-sensical to me: we just threw away a shower curtain that, after six months of use, was able to stand on its own, and was beginning to get belligerent if you wanted to take a shower too early in the morning. Pace, however, was intrigued, and decided to do what any other normal person would do. Watch the Simpsons? Of course not, he decided scrape some more curtains (someone should alert PETSC).
Pace had an undergrad student, Ulrike Theissen (pron: I Can’t Believe I’m Doing This), collect curtain samples from 3 other Boulder showers, as well as one from Berkeley, CA. Now, if you’re like me, I’m sorry. But you’re also probably thinking, “I’ve been to Boulder; no one actually showers there!” I would suspect the same to be true of Berkeley. Furthermore, you have to figure that if the users of said curtains only shower once every 10 years or so (not an unreasonable assumption), there’s a lot of marijuana buildup on there. According to the (formerly, apparently) respectable Financial Times, the “bio-aerosol” generated by turning on the shower then causes all of the “microbes” on the “curtain” to rise up in the “air” and… yeah, this is starting to make sense now.
The best part of this article, I would have to say, is this quote from Pace, who, let me remind you, is a professor at a major American university: “When you cough, belch or fart, you’re putting a lot of organic chemistry in there.” Indeed. Well, I’m off to go see if I can get a second-hand high from some Berkeley Curtains. Which, by the way, would make an excellent name for a punk band.

sorry about the downtime! Pat’s world is now up, fully functional, and better than ever!
love,
the admin

Have you ever been pulled over for speeding? I, personally, haven’t, at least in the last 6 years or so, but it’s a pretty distinct feeling. You’re driving along - maybe a little late, maybe just in a hurry - so you decide to push it, just a little bit. Only 5 or 6 mph. Sooner or later, you look down at the speedometer and realize that 5 or 6 has turned into 8 or 10, and you think to yourself, man, I really should slow down. “Buuuuuut,” (and there’s always a ‘but’), “I’m making good time, and I’m the only one on the road, it’s not like I’m hurting anyone else…”
BAM! You fly by the cop, realize you’re doing a solid 15 over, and hit the brakes. “Maybe he won’t notice.” The denial. The lights come on. The justification: “I wasn’t going that fast. I wasn’t hurting anything. It’s not THAT bad, I mean, there are people running meth labs out there!” All true, and all moot.
So you pull over and wait. And wait. And wait. And while you wait, you think, and you start to notice that giant knot in your stomach. The pounding that started when you saw the officer has slowed to a dull, thudding pulse.
Every analogy breaks down - that one in several places, probably - but that sort of sums the last several days for me. I was starting to realize that I was not using my time wisely and/or appropriately in a number of circumstances. But I had my excuses and justifications (some of which are actually pretty reasonable, if you ask me), so I was slow to react. Until I saw the sirens. Taken into context, I think that Colossians 3:22-24 is pretty important to keep in mind. The same idea, with slightly different wording, can be found in Ephesians 6:5-7. Translated into Pat’s Simplified Version, it says (roughly): “Serve those in authority over you, stupid. They’re in authority for a reason, so give it everything you’ve got.” I’d say that’s some pretty solid advice.