The Real Pat Blair

Traffic to the site has been up this week, which can only mean one thing: I am finally famous. Either that or its finals time for those of you who are in college (98% of my readers). This can be high stressful, even more so in the Spring since jobs and moving loom on the horizon, along with the more immediate needs of studying, caffeine, procrastination, and sneaking in one last riot before the school-year ends. To make matters even worse, the world seems, between war, terror, chemical weapons, political campaigns, and Michael Jackson, to be falling apart before our very eyes. How does one cope?
With times like these, it seems only appropriate that I, the Real Pat Blair, being known as a Harbinger of Hope and Pillar of Positivity, should share some good news and hopefully improve everyone’s outlook on life. Some background: a gentleman named Jim Hake decided that he wanted to help out the troops in Iraq and Afghanistan, so he set up an organization called Spirit of America. The idea was to solicit donations in order to purchase non-military goods for US troops, and to get them the equipment cheaper and faster than was possible through standard paperwork-filled military channels.
Daniel Henninger, a deputy editor at the Wall Street Journal, got wind of Mr. Hake’s operation and decided to get on board: he challenged his readers to come up with $100,000 in donations to pay for TV broadcasting equipment which would be used to provide news to Iraqis and counter the propaganda coming from “reliable” sources like Al-Jazeera. And Reuters. Henninger tells the story better than I do, so below, I’ve provided links to the three pertinent articles. I highly recommend reading them – it will make you smile, it will make your day, and it just might bring a tear to your eye, too.

Spirit of America – Part One
Part Two – this is actually an article about the FCC (which you should also read), but it has a relevant update at the very bottom.
A Good Start On the Iraq Homefront – Part Three, the conclusion to the feel-good story of the week.

Today, I shall share some wretchedly funny (I use that terminology intentionally) comics with you all. I hope you enjoy them.
Love,
Pat

It’s almost summer, a season with fashions equally loved and despised by both genders for the same reason: only in the summer could a small handkerchief be sold as a $70 shirt, and only in the summer could someone wearing said handkerchief be considered by some to actually be “clothed.” Ah, summer, the time of year when a young boys thoughts turn to love, and a young girls thoughts turn to whether it is acceptable to sport underwear that is more visible (and has more fabric) than her outerwear. But, for girls who are modest and boys who have not yet gouged their eyes out, there is good news on several fronts: people who don’t wear enough clothing are starting to spontaneously combust.
OK, that’s false, and it probably wouldn’t change anything even if it were true (I’m not kidding, either – look at how seriously people treat skin cancer), but USA Today reports that it is now “in” to actually wear clothing. A prime example: on a recent Ellen DeGeneres Show, Christina Aguilera chose to wear a PANTSUIT. As in, business casual. Yes, THAT Christina Aguilera. No, I’m not making this up. I’d like to think that the changes are due to a sudden onslaught of common sense, but I think I can effectively rule that out: when out for lunch today, I saw a four-year-old with a mid-riff, navel-ring, and hip-huggers. Or maybe they were hip-Huggies. I tried not to look too closely. Instead, credit for the changing trend probably goes to none other than Janet Jackson. Go figure. I never thought I’d say this, but, thanks for the help, J-Ho.
A second piece of good news is that retailers and designers have remembered that people between the ages of 25 and 75 also like to purchase nice looking clothing. An increasing number of companies are starting to offer clothing for women who have finished teething but aren’t quite ready for dentures. Though the article suggests that the clothes are targeted for women ages 30 and up, I would suspect that those in their 20’s who tend to be on the…um, classier… side of things will certainly be happy to see more options for dressing fashionably and appropriately at the same time.
I’m hardly an expert in women’s fashion – in fact, the best I can do in MEN’S fashion is getting my socks matched. Most of the time. But I have to admit that the current trends seem to be good ones.

I am having sleep issues, and I don’t just mean not getting enough. I had a particularly vivid dream last night, which is unusual for me, and thus probably why I remember it so well. Even though I know that, in reality, the whole thing probably took place over the course of a few seconds, the plot of the dream was long and winding and complicated, and it really didn’t go anywhere. Basically, it was a lot like the last two Matrix movies.
At this point, the details of the dream are a bit sketchy, but some irrelevant parts included the Lone Strangers and a sizable celebration at Iowa State that was occurring for no apparent reason. There were no riots, and police were not summoned. The key point in the dream was a basketball game – I know, it doesn’t make sense, just keeping thinking “Matrix.” I was observing, as opposed to playing, the game, and my team was being thoroughly dismantled by our opponents. It seemed like a friendly pick-up game, but there were also refs and a scoreboard. With about a minute left, I decided to sub in and play, probably to narrow the scoring gap a little bit, and to add some life to my team, which, by that point, had clearly lost.
I proceeded to whale on our opponents. I rebounded, passed, dribbled, and pretty much took over the proceedings in the course of about 3 seconds. So we’ve established that this isn’t a very realistic scenario. The kicker, though, was that I could not make a basket to save my life. I grabbed a defensive rebound, passed ahead, drove into the lane on a give-and-go, and missed the lay-up. I got my own rebound, and missed the lay-up again. This happened about 4 times before the ball got knocked out of bounds. The clock was ticking, and, though dominating the game, my team had yet to make up any ground. The fact that the outcome of the game – us losing – was predetermined didn’t seem to matter much.
The ball was in-bounded, to me, of course, since I had such great position under the basket, so I went up with another lay-up. I dominated the inside: I swear that I was playing about a foot higher than everyone else, but I could not get the ball to go in the basket. Bank-shots rolled out, went off the side of the rim, bounced around for awhile before bouncing back to me, and basically did anything but go through the hoop. Everything-but-net. It was like a bad shampoo commercial: rebound, shoot, repeat. It must have happened a dozen times. I was like Shaq shooting free-throws, except I was worse. And shorter. And skinnier. And whiter. And so on.
In spite of at least a dozen attempts, I don’t believe that I ever did make a shot, but I do remember looking at the scoreboard afterwards and thinking that if only half of them had gone in, we might have won the game. I was incredibly frustrated, which may or may not have something to do with why I was suddenly wide awake at 3:30am.
I’m not certain, but it is a distinct possibility that this dream is actually a metaphor for baseball, with Pat Blair playing the part of the Chicago Cubs. Psychology undergraduates everywhere (a.k.a. those who know just enough to be dangerous) are, no doubt, snickering and coming up with all sorts of different explanations which are, no doubt, completely wrong (not that it wouldn’t be amusing to hear them all), but my concern is much deeper than the meaning of this dream. I want to know why, for 3 straight days now, I have been waking up in the middle of the night.
I’m the guy who sleeps through thunder-storms, tornado sirens, and riots. There is absolutely no reason for me to, at 1am, sit straight up in bed and think that it’s time to get ready for work. It’s a good thing I am getting plenty of rest and that my schedule of activities isn’t absurdly busy, otherwise I might be getting annoyed or grouchy. I haven’t been drinking more caffeine than usual, I haven’t been drinking coffee before bedtime, and I haven’t been using recreational drugs, though if this keeps up, I may have to start. This whole “active sleep” thing is really making me tired.

Today’s American Spectator ran a brief article about John Kerry’s inability to recruit volunteers for his campaign. Be it lack of charm, charisma, personality, or firm convictions of any sort, Kerry has been, thus far, unable to get staffers – paid or otherwise – from the now defunct Clark, Dean, and Gephardt campaigns.
This was discussed by James Taranto in his Best of the Web Today column, and also by Rush Limbaugh, but, amazingly, both of them missed what I consider to be a key point of the article. Said the anonymous staffer, “…in some areas, down south in Florida, and in the Midwest, Kerry is having trouble getting large numbers.” The traditionally conservative Midwest is no surprise, but Florida? I thought that people in Florida were still upset about 2000, and were firmly planted, with great excitement, on the “Anybody But Bush” Bus. Kerry can’t even get grassroots volunteers (or even PAID staff), and we’re supposed to believe that angry Floridians are going to show up in droves at the ballot-boxes, ready to vote Buchanan?
I don’t mean to toot my own horn – well, ok, yes I do – but I called this one a month ago. I am, once again, ahead of the curve. And Charlie Rangel, you can, once again, eat my shorts.

Lately I’ve been feeling a bit off-kilter for no reason in particular. Well, a little more off-kilter than usual – it would be hard to make the case that I am normally on-kilter, but there’s nothing wrong with being slightly crazy. In fact, I think it gives an enormous boost to careers in Rockstardom. Who was the last sane rock star that anyone cared about? Tommy Lee? Jimi Hendrix? Pete Townsend? Gene Simmons? Kurt Cobain? Not sane. Pat Boone? No one cared. But you don’t want to be too crazy, either, lest you pull a Courtney Love.
So what is the cause of my de-kilteration? Not enough sleep? Too much insulin? A full moon? I was pondering these things at work the other day, feeling unfulfilled, so I decided to get some food, specifically, a Snickers, because that’ll satisfy me, right? It worked for Mick Jagger, after all.
Having plunked the change into the machine and pressed the correct digits (151), I retrieved my sugary goodness only to see the new slogan plastered across the wrapper: “Most Nuts Ever.” It was an epiphany, as if the blinders had been removed and I was able to hear again, and the taste was oh-so-sweet (badly mixed metaphor, +2). I’ve found the answer! I have a slogan! Heck, I even have a logo! Ladies and gentlemen, I present my new marketing strategy:

[Addendum - I have found that my new slogan works best when said in a Strong Bad voice. It conveys the message well.]

Though I once held them in high regard, my opinion of psychics took a significant downturn last weekend. The Iowa State Daily, which, as of late, has, along with the rest of the local media, taken to blaming police for rioters setting things on fire (don’t worry if it makes no sense – it’s Iowa!), has yet to publish their Veishea preview edition, which included a rash (yes, that’s an accurate term) of predictions by Su Walker, ISU Alum and “nationally renowned” clairvoyant and medical intuitive (this leads me to believe that I live in a nation full of morons). Since Walker has previously been hired by the CIA, FBI, police, and a host of others, it seems only fair to examine her predictions and see if our tax-money is being used effectively. I’ll pause while you stop laughing/crying. Alright, prediction number 1:

“(On Friday) people will give in to spontaneous urges. I wouldn’t be surprised if people suddenly started a bonfire on Welch Avenue.”

Well, actually, everything was quiet on Friday, except for a thunderstorm that Walker failed to predict. I guess predicting violence, just on the wrong day, would be pretty commendable, except for her “visions” of Saturday:

Although Walker predicts violent acts and even some hospitalizations Friday night, she says Saturday will be filled with positive energy, and people will want to be outside.

Good work, there. Saturday stats: 38 arrests, $50,000 (and counting) in property damage, 24 hospital visits, fires, riots, and tear gas. Now that’s what I call positive energy. Walker did predict the people wanting to be outside, but so did my meteorologist, so no bonus points there. But what really got my attention were Walker’s predictions for the Battle of the Bands, possibly because of my vested interest in the event. The predicted winners, in order, were Hum Digga, Stuck With Arthur, and The Lone Strangers. Walker also said specifically that Closer would not place in the battle.
Reality? The winners, again in order, were 2nd Best, Light in the Addict, and (drum roll, please) Closer. The Lone Strangers did not play due to inclement weather and a long, fascinating story which will most certainly end up on their website. Walker also specifically stated that, “Hum Digga will get the crowd going.” Here, Walker was wrong on both fronts: the crowd did not get excited, nor did they leave. They simply ignored, and, in many cases, simply talked over the music. It just goes to show: 95% of everything in the Daily is wrong. There’s something to be said for reliability, even if it does come in odd forms.
There are stories in the Daily’s archives if you’re interested in reading more about Walker’s amazing abilities (to be completely wrong). I wouldn’t spend too much time digging through them, but it is worth noting that, in addition to being completely wrong, Walker is also mildly confusing and thoroughly ridiculous: speaking about her first out-of-body experience, Sychic Su said, “I could tell you almost verbatim what that person said, even 30 years later,” Walker said. “I don’t have an explanation for it.”
That’s amazing, because I have one: drugs. Lots and lots of drugs.

“It (our relationship) is excellent. As Mr. Woodward notes, in one point of the book — and this may sound a little improper — but when the vice president and I are alone, it’s Colin and Dick.”

Secretary of State Colin Powell refuting charges by “author” Bob Woodward that, during the preparations for the war in Iraq, his relationship with Vice President Dick Cheney was strained.

The City of Ames, IA has been plagued by insurgents for nearly two decades. Though there has always been unrest in the town, relations have worsened over the last several years. The ruling council, acting unilaterally, has moved to take away rights from the majority group, as has the puppet government in place over the majority. These actions have only served to enrage the displaced refugees, and the results have been ugly.
The refugees, as they have done so many times before, turned to violence at their annual spring festival. Destroying property, setting fires, and chanting anti-regime slogans, the riots lasted more than 5 hours in spite of a large police presence.
It’s clear that Ames has become a quagmire, and that the government made a drastic mistake by acting unilaterally and failing to gain consensus among a coalition. More violence is taking place than ever before, and it is spiraling out of control. It is time for the United States of America to withdraw from Ames, Iowa.

Well, ok, maybe booze is not all that good for you, after all. Since I have previously discussed the health benefits of drinking, it seems only fair that I bring to your attention a study which indicates that heavy social drinking results in brain damage. The study, from the University of California San Francisco, used MRIs, as well as intelligence and reflex tests, and determined that, well, drinking too much makes you stupid. Will wonders never cease? Next thing you know, they’ll be telling us that smoking pot makes you slow, lazy, and dumb.
There were, in my mind, two significant points to the study. The first was that, in comparing what the authors termed to be “heavy social drinkers” with dyed-in-the-wool alcoholics, there was a shocking similarity in the results. You don’t need a beer breakfast and liquid lunch to cause problems; these people were all functioning citizens who drank socially, but heavily, and had brain problems. Come to think of it, that sure explains all of the people driving in front of me in the left lane on the Interstate.
So normally, this would be the part of the blog where I strongly remind people not to drink too much, because they are losing valuable brain cells. But there’s the second significant point: the study defined “heavy social drinking” as more than 100 drinks per month for men, 80 for women. So, like 3-4 drinks a day. Or 2-a-days during the week, then 6-8 on weekends. That’s not heavy social drinking – that’s out of control. It would also explain the Interstate idiots, just in a different way.
Moderate social drinking, determined to be “safe” by the “doctors” who did the “study,” is defined as 60 drinks per month, or “up to two drinks per day for younger men, and one drink per day for women and older people.” In addition to being sexist and ageist (yes, it’s a real word/lobbying group), this is still an awful lot of alcohol. In clearer terms, that’s still around $50/month on beer IF you’re getting the cheap stuff. And that, in addition to being not very healthy, is pretty darn expensive.
So what to do with your time, money, and brain, especially on this wonderful Veishea weekend? I recommend having no more than a moderate amount of alcohol, and then coming to see The Lone Strangers play at 10pm on Friday night on the corner of Welch & Chamberlain. I suppose that sustaining brain damage is still a possibility, but it’ll be a much better story to tell.