The Real Pat Blair

Wait, hold up a minute - so you’re telling me that Ashlee Simpson LIP-SYNCHS??? I’m shocked! That anyone would even feign surprise, that is. She was INVENTED for a reality show, for crying out loud. Besides, she’s just doing the same thing as every other teeny-bop star (Britney, Beyonce, Stephen Jenkins, Hillary Duff, etc). I have three thoughts on the matter, and none of them really have much to do with the now-infamous Ashleeee.
1. Simpson’s BAND is pretty darn good. I always just assumed that the “musicians” were playing along to a tape while the “star” pranced around stage, but apparently this is not the case. As you can see in this video, her guitar player, instead of doing hoe-down (talk about an unfortunate choice of words) and running off stage, transitions into “Pieces of Me” in order to match with the phantom vocals. The rest of the band enters, in unison, shortly thereafter.
All vocalists should be so lucky to have such adept backers. All vocalists who then BLAME the talented musicians in a ridiculous desperation move should be beaten with a Les Paul. Special II, of course - they’re not worthy to be hit with anything more than a $200 guitar.
I actually enjoyed listening to her band rock out more than I would have enjoyed it if she ’sang’ along.
2. Why is no one upset with Saturday Night Live? Back in the day, this used to be a show where you could see performances by real, cutting edge artists. Of course, back in the day, it used to be funny, too, but let’s not get off topic. It was probably inevitable that the show start inviting label-pushed acts, but it’s still sad. Do you think a modern-day Elvis Costello would get invited to SNL?
It’s not unfair to call the Simpson family for their charade, but I think there should be a lot more righteous indignation about the state of SNL music. When a teeny-bopper lip-synchs, there should be yawning. When Lorne Freakin’ Michaels says that using vocal tracks on the show is “common,” there should be outrage.
3. The Academy should give Milli Vanilli their Grammy back. They weren’t scandalous, they were trendsetters. Not only that, if they had waited a few years, ProTools, AutoTune, and lots of other great software would have been invented, and they would have been able to be amazing singers, just like the guys in Sum 41!
Final thought: the thing that makes me most angry about this is that I have had that stupid “Pieces of Me” stuck in my head for the last 4 days. Its gonna be pieces of someone, alright…

Sure, we aren’t even to Halloween yet. But that doesn’t mean it’s too early for the Musicians Friend CHRISTMAS CATALOG! Ahh, let the technicalust begin…

Last weekend, my extended Rock family and I went to the “Berry Farm” where they make super cheap wine. I mean pumpkins. Lots and lots of pumpkins. And gourds, and other assorted ‘growables’ as well. It was really a beautiful day to ride around on a hayrack and play outside. I found a super-tiny pumpkin, which I purchased for $0.50; it is now sitting on my computer at work. I’ve recieved several compliments and much heckling, but it makes a nice addition to all the other decorations in my cubical (coffee stains).
I want to bring in a 15lb one when no one is looking, and claim that the thing just expanded over the weekend. Start calling it the great pumpkin. Refuse to move it from the perilous perch atop my monitor. Carve it out, place the ‘guts’ in my recycle bin, and, when told that lit candles are an absolute no-no, place a flourescent light inside of it. Get fired. Claim religious persecution. It would be hysterical.
The other great thing about the trip was watching all of the little (and big) kids play. We named one of them Kenny because his parents had him all bundled up, and he said, getting on to the hayrack, “mmm-mmph-hmmm-hmm-rmphh.”
They had several huge piles of woodchips that we allowed - nay, encouraged - to climb and play upon, something that I always did, and was always in trouble for, as a child. There were about 4 little kids and a half-dozen college kids running around on those things. After awhile, we decided to jump from pile-top to pile-top, just to see how far we could ‘fly’ and how many ankles we could break. Biang created some fabulous cel-phone art to memorialize the time. As a memorial, I present to you my favorite, “Air Blair.”

Seems as though everyone has been putting together wishlists recently. Well, I’m not all that big into acquiring stuff (a lie made evident by 1 look at my CD collection?), and I have no list. But I do have to say that this would be sweet.
Yes, it’s ridiculous to put out a DVD collection of a television series that lasted less than one season. But what a great season it was, blah.

Eric Clapton had his driver’s license suspended by the French, of all people, for driving an uber-fast 134mph - just slightly slower that the speed Germans went when invading for the second time. What caught my eye, though, in addition to the fact that Mr. Slowhand drives a very sweet Porsche 911 Turbo, were the ridiculous numbers cited in this article.
Clapton was cited for driving 134mph, which, according to the article, was 53mph over the speed limit. So the French have a highway limit of 81mph? Are they really that ridiculous? I couldn’t believe it. Or maybe it’s a cultural thing, where they can’t use ROUND numbers like the silly Americans. It’s OK to eat a cheeseburger, but only if you’re a surrender monkey, and only if you’re driving under the 49mph limit in town.
Then, suddenly, a realization: the problem was not the French (well, entirely, at least). The problem was the metric system. Clapton was busted for going 215kph in a 130kph zone. Maybe he was confused and thought that, at 134, he was only going 4 over. Que foolish!
Fortunately, Clapton was a good sport (probably because the suspension doesn’t apply in Britain, where he resides), and even posed for photos with the French police (also called “gendarmes” or “weenies”). His secretary drove him home after Clapton paid his fine of 23,377 grams (£515, $922, $750Euro; it’s a good thing the French have changed currencies, because before, he would have had to pay in Francs, and most people I know, even rock stars, don’t make a habit of carrying that many hotdogs around - that would just be silly).
The morals of the story are: never trust a Frenchman, and never trust the metric system. If everyone would be agreeable and use standard measurements, it would make 907.2kg of sense.

Artist Maria Alquilar misspelled 11 of the 175 words on a mural she created for a Livermore, CA public library. Ms. Alquilar, who was paid $40,000 to create the mural, lays the blame on city leaders for not catching her “oversights,” which include misspelling the names of Van Gogh, Michelangelo and Einstein.
Fortunately, city officials have a solution to the problem: they’re paying the “artest” another $6,000 (plus travel expenses, of course) to come back and fix her mistakes. The article doesn’t include any comments from the actual CITIZENS of Livermore, but if I lived there, I might start making an awful lot of math errors on my tax returns. And then billing the city for the time spent to fix them.
The article also doesn’t include the amount of time that Mary Aguilera spent on the mural, but it looks like she’ll end up making somewhere between 150%-200% of my ANNUAL salary. While I might not be fired for a 6.3% error rate, I certainly wouldn’t get a 15% bonus, either. Unless maybe I worked in California, but even then, it is doubtful. I may be no Einestine, but I sure wish someone would over-pay me for shoddy work and mispeling words.

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Tiger Woods hired Hootie and the Blowfish to play his wedding reception. I guess that’s fine if he’s a fan and everything, but Tiger is a very rich man, and I’m pretty sure Hootie is cheaper than the Lone Strangers these days. And crappier, too.

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Speaking of which, while driving home from work today, I heard a voice on the radio that brought back a flood of memories. But no, it couldn’t be, could it? Richard Marx?? Yes, the man who soft-rocked me through my elementary school years with great tunes like Should Have Known Better, the eerily prescient Hazard, and of course the consummate power-ballads Hold on to The Nights and Right Here Waiting, is back, corrupting a new generation. The amazing thing is, 17 years later, it still sounds the same: crappy.

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On a happier (not crappier) note, Vertigo, the new U2 single, set a record for online sales with 37,000 digital copies in the first week it was available (last paragraph). In case anyone is wondering why iTunes is becoming so popular with labels, that translates to roughly $36,630 in pure profit - there are no production costs for CDs, so the money goes to Apple (about $17,926.54), the label (about $18,703.19), and the band (27 cents).

An open invitation to a killer tailgate:

This Saturday, October 9th, 10am
ISU v Wartburg - Women’s Rugby
Intramural fields east of Towers

The game starts at noon, but the party (in celebration of my birthday, Luke Anderson’s birthday, the birthday of anyone else in the +/- 1 month window, Homecoming, and a kick-butt rugby team featuring the Rock’s very own Amy Hofmeyer) starts early. Bring your grills and grillables, coolers and drinkables, and, most importantly, your self!
Since Women’s Rugby is not traditionally a sport that attracts a huge crowd, our presence (loud and obnoxious) will certainly be felt as we cheer on Hof and the Cyclones. I, personally, happen to think that its fun to watch, too, so there’s an added bonus.
Let me know if you have any questions, otherwise I’ll see you there!

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5.29pm - ADDENDUM: Autumn Hare, planner extraordinaire (it rhymes, see?) has informed me that I need to specify that this event is BYOM,D,& OS (Bring Your Own Meat, Drinks, and Other Stuff). I will probably provide some munchables to share, I recommend everyone doing the same. Further questions/corrections are welcome.

“Mr. Cheney has the easier task, because his negatives are already about as high as they could get–the one benefit of being painted by the media as the “Darth Vader” figure of the race. The most recent line on him is that he “relishes” his role as attack dog. He will likely be able to beat predebate expectations simply by not kicking any puppies.”
Brendan Miniter in the Wall Street Journal on the vice-presidential debates.

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Speaking of debates, I assume that everyone has heard that Kerry won last week, right? Well, not exactly. A Gallop poll (as sited in the Washington Times, Wall Street Journal, and elsewhere) indeed shows that Kerry had a better performance: he won that 57% to 37%. Kerry also won 60%-30% on expressing himself more clearly. There were a few more questions in the poll, though:
(Tie) Had a good understanding of the issues - 41/41
(Bush) Agreed with you more on the issues that you care about - 49/46
(Bush) Was more believable - 50/45
(Bush) Was more likeable - 48/41
(Bush) Demonstrated he is tough enough for the job - 54/37
It is also beginning to look like any significant bounce that Kerry appeared to get from the debates had more to do with inconsistent samples than anything else. This shows, if you ask me, what we already know: Bush is awkward and inarticulate, and the American people like him anyway.
The one victory I will grant Kerry is that he actually appeared to be somewhat presidential. Before, at least for me, he was always so ridiculous that I absolutely could not envision him as President. After the debate, I can actually see Kerry as our leader. Except for that whole ‘winning the election’ part. I’m still predicting a landslide.

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Speaking of debates (still), if you need help staying awake through all of the boring, policy wonk-ish parts, there’s nothing like a nice, cold, caffeine-packed soda to sustain you until the exciting personal attacks start. I was told at one point that, contrary to popular belief, Dr. Pepper had more caffeine in it than Mountain Dew. I have since shared this factoid with many people, with only one small problem: it’s a fictionoid.
As Henry Rollins says, in the age of the internet, there is no excuse to be uninformed about anything. I apologize for letting everyone down. Cool Nurse (which at least SOUNDS like a reputable site) has a nice, visually appealing chart showing how much caffeine is in certain kids of soft drinks. A more complete breakdown (with information that is, at times, only slightly different) can be found at the National Soft Drink Association site. Yes, they have an organization. And a website. Who knew?
A 12-ounce serving of Dew has 55mg of the good stuff, while the Dr. prescribes only 41mg. It is disheartening to think of all the money that I have wasted on the wrong soda. For those in the Cult of Coke: Diet Coke has 45mg, Diet Cherry has 34. Worse still, both taste like battery acid, making it a true no-win situation.
Federal regulations limit content to 6mg per fluid ounce, but the only brands who are toeing that line are Jolt (71.2mb) and RC Edge (70.2). I am not entirely sure that I have seen either available in the past decade, and there is probably a good reason. That’s why I’m sticking to coffee, average of 128mg (but up to 180!!!) per 12oz.
All this talk about politics just got a little more tolerable. Now pass me a brew.