The Real Pat Blair

Optimists Club Calls It Quits
It’s enough to make a cynic smile

***

OFFICIAL PREDICTION: Mark your calendars. Some time in the next 4 years, there will be a serious undertaking by the Democrats to impeach George W. Bush. I have heard talk of using Abu Ghraib against the president, but I have my own theory: Halliburton.
The no-bid contracts (which could be fulfilled by no one else), the mistakes (good thing I’ve never made one of those), the ‘dubious’ relationship between the corporation and administration, and the sheer amount of money involved all make this a prime candidate for spin, invectives, and half-truths.
Just a head’s up. Hopefully I’m wrong, and, in four years, someone can call me on it.

***

Now here is a relief from the cubicle blues: “Leading poultry processing facility needs an experienced Kill Supervisor (evisceration,live hang, etc).” The best part would be High School reunions…

Pat: [Forced Smile] So, what are you up to these days?”
Person that I probably haven’t kept in touch with for a reason but am now stuck talking to: Oh, I’m a Financial Analyst for Big Firm Inc and my wife is a sales manger for Department Chain. How about you? [Feigned Interest]
Pat: I’m a Kill Supervisor
Annoying Person: [Long Pause] How… does that work? [Pause] Do you get benefits with that?
Pat: Oh, mainly evisceration, but I like to dabble so I don’t get stuck in a rut… oh yeah, full medical, dental, everything. It’s great!

No, I take that back, the best part would be the business cards. Pat Blair: Kill Supervisor. Has a nice ring, doesn’t it?

2004 Iowa State Cyclone Football

Pat’s Prediction:
-ISU is competetive, but does not win Big 12 North Title
-ISU Surprises a few teams.
-ISU Goes to a Bowl Game

Reality:
-ISU Loses Big 12 North Title by this ‘ ‘ much.
-ISU is underdog in 10 games, goes 6-5.
-ISU Going to a Bowl (hopefully not Shreveport again)

I am, once again, ahead of the curve. Sometimes it hurts to be this good. No, seriously: just below the heart and just above the pit of the stomach. It’s OK, though - the pain is dulled by the deep-seated loathing that I continue to have for Gary Barnett and the Colorado Buffaloes.

***

Speaking of the Buffaloes, I had hoped I’d never have to do this again, but alas, there’s been another Big Dumb Mean Weenie sighting. Yes, former Buff and current Pacer David Harrison, possibly the biggest jackass to leave the state of Colorado since Rick Neuhisel (can you tell I don’t like this guy?), has been caught on video participating in last weeks game of basketBrawl. Once again trying to deny irrefutable evidence, Harrison has claimed that he was a peacemaker. I’m suspecting that some will disagree with him, like the 67-year old man that he PUNCHED.
Good work, David. I’m sure that your mother is proud. If she’s not afraid that you’ll punch her.

***

While I watched a fair amount of TV over the 4-day weekend, the programming was not diverse. In the evenings, Spike TV was always running in the background because of the Bond Marathon. I, honestly, could care less, but I have friends that feel differently. During the day, we watched football. Somehow, in spite of my testosterone-laden viewing schedule, I managed to watch approximately 4 trillion jewelry commercials, and, this is hard for a good capitalist like myself to say, I’ve had enough.
I’m sick of Christmas. I’m sick of ridiculously syrupy commercials featuring lovey-dovey couples with their festive sweaters, cozy homes, and $10,000 earrings. I don’t want to name names, but even HEARING one particular companies slogan once more might just drive me over the edge. That’s why I have written a new catchphrase for them. In honor of the spirit of Christmas, I really hope they consider switch to, “Every Kill begins with Kay.”
Ahh, I feel merrier already.

As Matt noted yesterday, our President is a stud. Now you can even see video proving it, just in case you doubted.
This whole event brings to mind a story that Peggy Noonan told in the Wall Street Journal last week:

About a year ago I was visiting West Point, and I was talking to a big officer, a general or colonel. But he had the medals and ribbons and the stature, and he asked me what I thought of President Bush. I tried to explain what most impressed me about Mr. Bush, and I kept falling back on words like “courage” and “guts.” I wasn’t capturing the special quality Mr. Bush has of making a tough decision and then staying with it if he thinks it’s right and paying the price even when the price is high and–
I stopped speaking for a moment. There was silence. And then the general said, “You mean he’s got two of ‘em.” And I laughed and said yes, that’s exactly what I mean.

I don’t know about anyone else, but for me, that’s a very reassuring thing to hear about the leader of the world.

Bear with me: though it may seem self-indulgent, introspective, and really freakin’ long, this all ties together. Eventually. I think. Sort of…
I try, while in blog-land, to be intentionally vague about my employment. I think it is safe to reveal, though, that I work for a good-sized insurance company in Des Moines (if you can figure it out from that, than you should be working for the CIA). I work with insurance for businesses, doing what I like to call Glorified Entry of Data, or GED for short. Draw your own conclusions. Last night/this morning, I had a dream about work, which is not unusual in and of itself. The realism, however, was astonishing.
Thus far, my ‘work’ dreams have been like my ’school’ dreams: random, unrealistic, slightly disconcerting, and, in hindsight, fairly amusing. This is generally something along the lines of: go to class (late), realize that you have forgotten to go for the last 2 months (occasionally this happens in real life, too), and discover two very important things. One, there is a huge, important test that day, and two, you have forgotten to wear pants. Sometimes three, you have to pee really, reeeeeeeally bad, the only available facilities are in the middle of a crowded room, and the builders have neglected to include things like “walls” for “privacy.”
This particular dream, however, was different. It felt, and actually could have been, completely real. Got an email from an agent (correct name and email address) about a policy that has been a bit of a problem child (real policy, real name) saying that I had a day to get it fixed or bad things would happen (statement and consequences both completely possible). Because of the way things are, there was no possible way that I could fix it in one day (also true). Wake up. Shudder. Look at clock. 3:30am. I have just over an hour before I need to be awake (which is depressing enough). And I need to pee. Get up. Turn on lights. Wide awake. The first good news of the night is that our bathroom still has walls….

3:40am. Still awake in bed, thinking about basketball riots. What better topic for this time of night? My solution for the whole problem is quite simple, but will never happen, which is probably just as well. I think that all tickets to games and contracts with players should have explicit language, laying out the following rules: if a fan enters the court, or throws something, whatever happens to him is his punishment. If you run onto the field during a Canadian football game and punch someone in the head/helmet (yes, this happened) and players from both teams proceed to circle up and beat you within an inch of your life, no one will come help you. Referees will stand back, and, when the players are done, you will be responsible for your own medical bills/funeral expenses. If other fans want to come to your assistance, they may do so at their own risk.
Likewise, if a player enters the stands to beat the tar out of a fan, they may do so without fear of any punishment being inflicted by the league or law enforcement authorities. Bodyguards, security guards, team officials, and league officials are not allowed to come help. Teammates are. If a pro athlete and 12 of his buddies want to risk taking on an entire section of fans, then let them. If an arm or spleen gets broken, they’re on their own. They will be on leave WITHOUT pay for any time they miss due to injuries.
If a fan or player brandishes/uses a weapon, such as a gun or knife, in the process of said melee, they may then be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. The security guards responsible for keeping weapons out of the event will be shot/stabbed and injured to the same degree as the fighters.
I think this is a good policy because everyone is responsible for their own actions and consequences. It also encourages fellow fans/teammates to discourage the brawling because of the associated risks. I think that substantially fewer fans would enter the playing field and players the fanning field if they knew for certain that they would be brutalized. Any player/fan stupid enough to do it anyway… well, that’s just thinning out the shallow end of the gene pool. I think there would be significantly fewer problems. Either that or unadulterated anarchy, but there’s only one way to find out.
I am not sure why, but watching the on-court chaos - even hearing about a day before I could see the footage - really bugged me. Even as I sit thinking about it right now, trying to describe my gut reaction, my stomach knots. I think it is the same feeling I had on 9/11 (much smaller scale, of course, not trying to compare the two in terms of magnitude) - anger, fear, shock, maybe the fight or flight mechanism kicking in, but all accompanied by the realization that there was not a darn thing I could do about it, other than watch (or not watch) the evil to which mankind can so quickly resort…

Even at 3:45am. Loud crash. Shouting. Another. I looked out the window to see a person standing (I use the term loosely) next to our now-toppled garbage can. The University is on Thanksgiving break for the entire week, and this is what generally happens when those with no class have no class. I step back from the window and try to figure out what to do.
I’ll now let you in on a dirty little secret, a characteristic about myself that I have only recently realized: I hate conflict. As much trouble as I stir up, the honest truth is that when there is legitimate hostility between parties, I get very uncomfortable. I am a peace-maker. Go figure.
More shouting. Breaking glass. It’s probably a beer bottle, but I realize that my car is sitting on the driveway, possibly being urinated on at that very moment. Decision made. I hear a slam that could be a door to the house. I am dressed and to the door in less than 20 seconds. Man, I wish I could be that quick on a regular basis. I even remembered pants.
I had hoped, in vain, it turns out that I wasn’t the only roommate that had heard the commotion. As I moved towards the door, I decided that enough racket/brawling/gunshots would eventually get someone out of bed to come help. I looked out the door. It was quiet. No one around. The trashcan was on its side at the end of the driveway, but no vehicles looked like they were harmed. I went upstairs and looked out other windows. All was calm, and there were no people - vandals or coke dealers - on the street. Back to bed. YOU try to sleep after that.
What did I hope to accomplish by going to confront the hooligans? Stop the hooliganism of my house, I guess. How exactly would I accomplish that? Nuance and discourse would probably be lost on the other participants, and I was in no mood for subtly suggesting anything to anyone, anyway. Go out with guns blazing? Probably not, but they might be unholstered. The grand entrance would have been most likely. Exit house, slam door, ask loudly, “GENTLEMEN! Is there anything I can help you with?” Then what? Lots of variables, but there are really only two possible outcomes: they leave, or they start swinging. And they were probably drunk enough that I could get 4 or 5 sucker punches in before anyone really figured out what was happening. And then spend the next 4 months sleeplessly awaiting retaliation.
Or release from the hospital. Why? Because I am master of my domain. I must protect the inanimate, emotionless, and replaceable object known as my car. And my house. Yes, I must protect my old, drafty, insect-infested and mole-ridden rental property which sits on the biggest party street in my town. I cannot allow it to sustain damage. Just like my ego. Guys are so stupid. Stupid instincts. Stupid fight or…

Flight. The alarm goes off at 4:45 and I choose to snooze. Run from the day just a bit. Then I’m up and at ‘em. Or up, anyway. “Functional” might be pushing it a bit. The day begins. Yes, I’m 1,414 words deep, the day is just beginning, and I’m exhausted. This is going to be a long week. I need to break something - a rule? Perhaps end a sentence in a preposition? No, that would be ridiculous; I just need to find someone to beat up.

U.N. Gives Up on Human Cloning Ban
And this is the organization we’re supposed to defer to in times of international crisis? Right.

***

Roman Polanksi, for those of you who are unaware, is an admitted sexual predator. He is also a film-director. The combination of those two, apparently, is enough to make one a celebrity in Hollyweird, even if one has pled guilty to having sex with a 13-year-old girl and then fled the country. Polanski has been living in France since 1977, and though his famous friends have tried and tried to get him back in to the country, the police, to their credit, have said that they’ll arrest him if he sets foot on US soil.
This is where it gets ugly (as if being a sexual predator wasn’t ugly enough). Polanski is trying to sue Vanity Fair for libel (second item down) for a 2002 story in which they claim he seduced a woman on the way to his wife’s funeral in 1969. I fail to see how this defames him in any way, but apparently he’s not happy about being portrayed as a sex-fiend. Go figure. As mentioned, Pervlanski lives in France. Vanity Fair is in the US. So Polanski is suing in British courts. This makes no sense, except that libel laws in the UK are much more favorable to the accuser than in the US.
Unfortunately for our poor, character-assassinated director, the Brits have an extradition treaty with the United States, meaning that if dear Roman shows up for court, they’ll arrest him and send him over here, where he can explore the legal system from the correct side of the bars.
Credit to the British courts, also, which have thus far refused to allow Mr. Sicko to sue and testify via video link. Polanski’s lawyer, Richard Spearman, is incensed: “This leaves the case in a mess and a situation where a defendant can get away with libel scot-free.” I must say that Spearman has a point: it sure is offensive when someone can get away with a heinous crime like libel, escaping due only to ridiculous geographical boundaries. What a horrible miscarriage of justice.

***

Here’s a novel concept: the IRS wants to GIVE you money, not take it away. Granted, it’s your money that they took in the first place, but let’s not quibble over semantics. Instead, follow this link to see if you’re owed some big bucks. It’s like a Christmas present from Uncle Sam!

***

Quote of the Day
“Predictably (for such is the nature of our culture), there have been attempts to “deconstruct” (SpongeBob SquarePants) as some species of homosexual. He is, of course, no such thing and is arguably the least gay creature on television (along with the Cookie Monster).”
-Tunku Varadarajan

News anchor appears nude - “Important Story About Art”
In unrelated news, the oceans have turned to blood, and the Sierra Club is blaming Bush for not signing the Kyoto Treaty.
Actually, the news broadcast - filmed this summer and then held for sweeps week (no, they have no shame, dignity, or taste, just in case you were wondering) - drew record ratings for the station, which, by the way, is an affiliate of CBS, best known of late for broadcasting pornography during the Super Bowl halftime show (no self-respect, decency, or judgment - the list just keeps on growing). In addition to record viewership, the station also received quite a bit of feedback on the (heavily advertised) segment, most of which they said was positive. And therein lies the problem: the public knew it was a publicity stunt, and they tuned in anyway.
I, for one, have had a change of heart. Being an open-minded and tolerant individual, as well as a person who is willing to learn from his mistakes, I will admit that I have greatly over-estimated the intelligence of the American people. Therefore, from here on out, in an attempt to boost readership, I will blog naked.
Welcome to the new Pat Blair: Offensively Refreshing - the worlds first Standards-Complaint Naked Blog.

***

I suspect that no one will be staying here long enough to read this sentence.

***

Young Buck Wanted in Vibe Awards Stabbing
Lets rehash: individuals who make a living by being arrogant and violent gather in a room. Melee ensues. World pretends to act shocked, or, in some cases, struggles to care. Lather, rinse, repeat. No wisdom is gleaned.

***

Kerry: Don’t Count Me Out Yet

“On his first workday back in the Senate since losing his White House bid, Kerry remained far from the spotlight, granting interviews to hometown reporters and joining the depleted corps (sic?) of Democrats as they elected the party’s new Senate leaders.”

***

Bowflex Recalls Exercise Machines
Not because they don’t work, though, which was my first assumption. The company is recalling 800,000 machines after reports of injuries from mechanical problems. This is in addition to the 420,000 units recalled in January.
The startling thing here is not the complete lack of quality control at Bowflex. Nor is it the complete lack (thus far) of class-action lawsuits against the company. No, what is truly stunning is that over 1 MILLION people actually bought one of those stupid things. There’s a sucker born every minute, and most, apparently, watch a lot of cable TV.
In a related story…

Hardee’s Debuts 1,420-Calorie Monster Burger
Best. Timing. Ever.

***

Quote of the Day
OR Things You Never Thought You’d Hear at Work ESPECIALLY From Your Boss.
“Does anyone want to share a can of tuna?”

Pfizer Pulling ‘Wild Thing’ Viagra Ads Amid FDA Objections
Hey, at least they had the stones to do the right thing. Speaking of classic rock: Who2? Who knew?

Sexual Problems Common Among Obese People
Yes, someone paid to do a study on this. No, “geometry” is not one of the root causes.

Speaking of tasteful, you can now hear the new U2 album, How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb, in its entirety, for free and for legal. It’s streaming from NME and VH1. Give it a listen, because, now that it’s widely available, I will have no qualms about posting an advance review from PAT.
Why do I help people with a decision on what music to buy? Because sometimes you can’t make it on your own.

Dear Mrs. Arafat:

***

So what, you might be asking, was the cause of the Hunt Street Hubbub yesterday? Well, for starters, the realization that Hunt Street Hubbub would be an excellent name for a band. Just kidding, that wasn’t the cause at all. It really was just a little coke. Actually, a LOT of coke. Like, 130 grams of cocaine. Oh, and “thousands of dollars,” too. Nothing more than the usual neighborhood drug-running sting. To think, I gave my friend a hard time when they found a 9,600-gallon anhydrous ammonia tank (and requisite meth-lab) near his neighborhood.
Hey, maybe this means the never-ending weekend parties will die down a bit. Don’t worry mom and dad, everything’s fine here, there are cops everywhere. The come down the street at least a dozen time each day to write parking tickets, so I know they’re looking out for our safety.
Man I love this town.

It smells like winter today. The air is cool and clean, and it’s quiet outside. That was the first thing I noticed when I stepped out the door at 6:00 this morning. The second thing was a dozen Ames police officers, dressed in SWAT-type apparel, with a handcuffed gentleman who appeared to be from across the street. One of the officers was carrying several apparently-stolen street signs, but I’m guessing that, to get a 6am wakeup call like that, he must have done something quite a bit worse.
On the plus sign, I think I about scared the snot out of some of the cops when I came out of the house: they’re clearly not used to signs of life around Campustown at that time of day/night. On the downside, my departure was slightly delayed because a group of 6 officers was leading the ‘perp’ down the middle of the road (which I would normally use for things like DRIVING) to where their cars were parked, out of view of his house (1 marked, 2 unmarked). Also on the downside, it was cold.
But I won’t complain. Not everyone is so lucky as to get the occasional cool weather…

***

Hell++
Also, on a completely unrelated note, Ringo Starr has vanished.
Finally, I don’t want to get all apocalyptic here, but if I were you, I’d keep an eye out for any peace treaties that might get signed. And then mark your calendars.

***

Lone Strangers to play Battle of the Bands
Also, Veishea 2005 moved to former Soviet Union
Finally, you can now by Lone Strangers CDs online from a reputable source - complete with audio clips! iTunes will follow shortly - stay tuned.

***

Good thing I moved to Ames!

***

Quote of the Day
“You look at President Bush, and you can tell he’s not going to change much anymore. He’s 58 and he’s going to stay who he is. He is not emotionally or intellectually labile or subject to great swings–he’s not going to shock us and announce tomorrow that, on reconsideration, Osama had a point, or he actually doesn’t like Jesus.”
Peggy Noonan in the Wall Street Journal

Hollywood to sue pirates: report
Shiver me timbers! Better hurry up and hire Mark Garrrrrragos. Or maybe Johnny Cocharrrrane.

***

Credit where due: Kerry could have greatly extended the inevitable, and, in fact, certainly had the incentive and to do so. With a legal staff of over 10,000 advising him to fight (including running mate John Edwards), visions of paychecks and fame dancing in their heads, Kerry did, for once, the honorable thing, and conceded the election.
This could have certainly been motivated by self interest: Kerry did NOT have the grace to step down from his Senate seat, so he’ll be back in DC in January. A protracted battle would have made working with Bush and the Republicans difficult. Additionally, conventional wisdom says that the country would not have much patience for legal wrangling over more than 100,000 votes, so letting go was probably the politically astute thing to do. Nonetheless, he should get props for making the right call, albeit 8(ish) hours later than necessary.
One final point: libs are saying that Kerry’s concession speech was the best of his campaign, that he finally hit his stride and found his tone. Remember hearing the same thing about Gore? I found Gore’s speech to be dreadful, but the media lauded it as brilliant, so, conceding that point for a moment, consider this: isn’t it odd how Democrats are always at their best when they lose?

***

French Doctors Deny Arafat Death Reports
All agree, though, that room is ready, waiting in hell.