Sorry I haven’t written much recently, I’ve been otherwise occupied. But I did want to pass along this news flash:
We appreciate your patronage and value the relationships we’ve had with you through the years. We’re sorry to inform you as of Dec. 27th, 2004 daVinci’s, 2514 Chamberlain is closing.
To become an apartment building, no doubt.
Google briefly takes to self-mutilation, then, just moments later, decides that masochism isn’t that cool after all, but blatant self-promotion is OK. Perhaps using a human being to select front-page headlines wouldn’t be such a terrible idea.
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Also amusing: note that the accompanying photo that Google chooses to run is from China’s government-run and less-than-partial Xinhua News Agency. It is quite enlightening to read the ‘opinion’ articles (”China’s pragmatic military diplomacy in 2004“) from the Chi-Coms. Yes, funny, but another strong case for an editor with more discretion than some lines of code.
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Speaking of masochism, I thought this would be a good time to mention this October Des Moines Register article about Cubs fans.
Loving the Cubs is like dating a pretty girl who’s all kinds of fun but can’t stop cheating on you.
Every spring, you keep taking her back, vowing this will be the summer when your fidelity is rewarded in kind. Every October, you’re back in counseling.
Ninety-six years on the couch. At what point do you finally get the hint?
Just in case all you steriod-user enablers were starting to forget…
Polyester briefs reduce wearer’s sperm count, says expert
I really got a charge out of the first paragraph of this article:
Tight briefs containing man-made fibres, such as polyester generates, electrostatic electricity from friction between the scrotal skin and the synthetic material and reduce the wearer’s sperm count, leading gynaecologist Sadiqua Jafarey told Daily Times on Tuesday.
“These create an electrostatic field across the scrotum, with the skin covering the lower scrotum acquiring a positive charge and the skin covering the upper scrotum acquiring a negative charge. The testes lie between these two electrical poles, and spermatogenesis is adversely affected,” said Dr Jafarey…
She said sperm are easily damaged and needs a carefully controlled environment to develop normally…
Shocking, isn’t it? I guess this makes bikini briefs and laptops a truly explosive combination.
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That’s OK though, because in the end, its all gonna burn.
When calling the 800 number for the office of multi-billion dollar company today, I received the following greeting:
Thank you for calling Large Company, a member of Conglomerate, Inc. If you know the extension number of the person with whom you wish to speak to, please dial now…
Obviously I changed the company name, but the second sentence is an exact quote. Now, I don’t want to be a grammar-Nazi, but if you’re going to invert a sentence to avoid the dreaded prepositional ending, maybe, just maybe… you should spend some of your money on a spare Microsoft Word license so that you don’t sound like an illiterate idiot to he whom places calls unto thy phone to. Did I mention that the Illiterate Idiots would be a great name for a band?
Sorry, ranting was not my intention. Perhaps I should step down from the soapbox upon which I am standing. Upon.
I set out to make a Top 5 Albums of 2004 list since it is now that time of year. I am a music geek, so picking shouldn’t be that hard, right? Well, I certainly came up with a list quickly. Then I did some research and discovered that 3 out of my 5 picks were actually from late 2003. And, upon further review, while there were many DECENT albums released this year, I couldn’t find any that I felt were worthy of the coveted Hi-Fidelity Top 5 status.
This probably means that, as I get old(er), I am not listening to as much music. I think some blame can also be placed on the shoulders of record labels that fought file-sharing. One of my primary methods for discovering new music (which I then PURCHASED) has been severely minimized by the people who stand to profit. Example: how many people bought the Modest Mouse CD on my recommendation? It would have never happened if I hadn’t had a chance to listen before I bought it.
Regardless, given the slim pickings with which I am faced, I have decided to break this down in to smaller, more helpfuller, versatiler lists. Ladies and gentlemen and users of the internet, I proudly present the 2004 Top Twos!
TOP 2 ALBUMS OF 2004
1. Modest Mouse – Good News for People Who Love Bad News
2. The Lone Strangers – Trying and Failing
Honorable Mentions: Brian Wilson – Smile; Green Day – American Idiot
TOP 2 ALBUMS OF LATE 2003 – OR – Albums that would have made this years list if the artists/labels had just been courteous enough to wait 4 more months to release them
1. Blink 182 – Blink 182
2. David Crowder Band – Illuminate
Honorable Mention: John Mayer – Heavier Things
BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENTS – OR – Albums that, while not necessarily bad, were not nearly as good as they should have been)
1. U2 – How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb
2. Jimmy Eat World – Futures
Honorable Mention: Velvet Revolver – Contraband
BEST NEW DISCOVERIES – OR – Albums that I would have never suspected that I would enjoy, but discovered thanks to the joys of file sharing and/or college radio
1. Phoenix – Alphabetical
2. Slipknot – Volume 3: The Subliminal Verses
Honorable Mention: William Shatner – Has Been
BEST/MOST ARROGANT TITLE FOR A BOX-SET (Bonus Category)
Bon Jovi – 100,000,000 Bon Jovi Fans Can’t Be Wrong
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Homemade Bomb Found In Teenager’s Room
After police found a bomb in his room while doing a theft-related search, a 14-year-old Maquoketa, IA boy was charged with possession of an offensive weapon – a felony. Dang, that sounds pretty serious… it musta been an F-Bomb.
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Intense Flames Delay Church Fire Investigation
From the “No Kidding?” files… also – Firearms, Threats Hamper Hostage Rescue.
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Kerry Asks To Examine 92,000 Ohio Ballots
Word on the street is that he’s looking for the documents proving that Bush was negligent while serving in the National Guard. Oh well, at least this will keep him too busy to tell war stories (or show up for little things like Senate votes) for awhile.
Signs of the Apocalypse Update
Transportation ports around the country are testing out new biometric ID cards, an all-in-one credential that can be used to gain access and reduce the amount of time/paperwork that would otherwise be needed. Boy, an ID card that does everything? That sure is handy! We should use that for driver’s licenses, passports, voter registration… heck, even as credit cards. Then we could do away with currency – even DIFFERENT currencies, since this is an international economy, after all – and think of all the great options!
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Life Imitates Tacky Budweiser Super Bowl Commercial OR Dog Goes Nuts
In a strange case of dog-bites-man, a police dog in Minneapolis took a bite out of crime when a suspect attached an officer. Unfortunately, the suspect was nude (yet another reason it would suck to be a cop) and the dog, well, bit the bits and pieces. The kibbles and bits, if you will.
Officers said the dog is trained to bite suspects if its handler is in danger, just not in the genitals. The “official” word is that the suspect was moving around, and the dog just got what it could, and honestly, I really don’t have any objection. My suspicion, though, is that this particular canine has a pretty good memory and is thinking revenge: there is a vet somewhere that should be very, very afraid.
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That’s two tasteless posts in a row. Hopefully next time will be better. But, with the pending Armageddon, probably not.
Law of Unintended Consequences
As noted in Best of the Web Today yesterday, the Interfaith Center on Corporate Responsibility has created a list of the 10 Most Violent Video Games, ostensibly to help parents realize that they shouldn’t buy these games for their kids for Christmas (though they presumably still have a fighting (hehehe) chance at Chanukah or Ramadan). My first thought is that whoever named the ICCR should probably be fired. My second is that I want to be a fly on the wall at the meetings when the Christians and Socialists start arguing over the definition of Corporate Responsibility.
I do appreciate, though, what the ICCR has done: created Christmas list for my household (we already have Halo 2, but the rest are eligible gifts). Certainly the list wasn’t made with this purpose in mind, but I have to wonder if it won’t end up being the primary use. After all, how many parents not smart enough to realize the “Mature” tag on the box means it’s a bad idea for Junior are going to take to the internet, seeking out the ICCR information? And how many young men, such as myself, are going to find the list and say, “Oooh, there’s a new Mortal Kombat!?!”
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Bomb Dismantled
After one glorious week, the new U2 album How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb (clearly named by the same idiot from the ICCR) has fallen from the number one spot on the charts. The Irishmen were knocked from the top by – no joke – a “mash-up” disc from Linkin Park and Jay-Z, and I must say that I hope all involved parties are embarrassed. This does remind me, however, that “The Lincoln Z” would be an excellent name for a luxury performance automobile.
After moving 840,000 copies of the album in the first week, a best-ever for U2, the band saw a decline of roughly 66%, selling only 288,000. While some drop-off is expected after the first week, this is pretty significant. I realize that, though I promised, I have yet to review the album, so I’ll save most of my opinion until mid-July when that finally happens, but I think there is a direct correlation between the quantity of sales and the quality of the album.
atu2.com reports that, citing great early radio response, the label has shipped the second single early. I smell smokescreen, but what do I know? I live in Iowa, not Ireland. For the curious, the next single is All Because of You, or, as I like to call it, Wish We Were ‘The Who.’
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I am currently taking suggestions for what I should put on my Christmas list (in addition to ultra-violent video games). Please leave your comments… well, in the comments. The best suggestion suggestor will get a free candy-cane, provided the delivery address is within the same zip-code as the shipping address.
Completely ridiculous suggestions are not eligible to win, but will most certainly be posted, except for that random guy who keeps commenting about the “drugs for men.”
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These Scientists are Nutty
I read this article about how cause infertility, and was planning on posting about it, if for no other reason than as a public service. For one, you can now rejoice when you see ‘that guy’ sitting there in the airport/restaurant/whatever: he maybe be obnoxious, but between the carpel tunnel, cancer from his cell phone, and now sterilization from his computer, you know that he is doing his part to thin out the gene pool.
I also felt that I should bring it to the attention of all my male readers that perhaps they should consider participating in the blogrification via a desktop machine if they wish to have children some day. If, on the other hand, you are hoping NOT to have children, I suspect that the “computing method” of birth control, while a helpful supplement, is probably not meant to be used as a stand-alone. The article also doesn’t say anything about STDs, but I’m guessing that laptops cannot be used to protect you from those, either, even with up-to-date anti-virus software.
Finally, there is a very interesting take on the metric implications on Best of the Web Today today (second from the bottom). It caused me much laughing, so I recommend checking it out.
In Mel Brooks’ extremely funny (and extremely politically incorrect) film Blazing Saddles, the old-West town of Rockridge is set astir by the arrival of a black sheriff. Racial tension/jokes and hijinx ensue. Near the end of the film, as the groups ‘negotiate’ peace, a Rockridge citizen says, “All right, we’ll give some land to the niggers and the chinks, but we DON’T WANT THE IRISH.” It is sublimely ridiculous. And, if it weren’t true, that’s kind of what this story would make me think:
In the latest skirmish over Christmas in America, a Christian group is not allowed to participate in Denver’s annual Parade of Lights, because church members sought to sing yuletide hymns and proclaim a “Merry Christmas” message on their float.
However, the event, now in its 30th year, will include homosexual American Indians, Kung Fu artisans, belly dancers and, of course, Santa Claus…
The hour-long event features highly decorated floats with symbols of the holiday season such as Santa Claus, gingerbread houses and toy soldiers, along with what’s billed as an “international procession to celebrate the cultural and ethnic diversity of the region,” according to its website.
It’s true, and it’s actually worse than I can manage to convey in a short quote. I’d spend an inordinate amount of time sarcastically mocking the whole thing, but it’s impossible to do: the article ALREADY reads like something from the Onion. Go read it and tell me how you could exaggerate the story and further increase the absurdity.
Of course, what do I know? I’m Irish.
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If you find this post offensive, I highly recommend actually watching Blazing Saddles. Trust me, you’ll forget that this blog ever existed.
Quote of the Day
Andrew Alt, programs assistant for the Dean of Students Office: “We understand that the DMCA is often difficult for people to understand, and so it is our hope that this notification process between AIT and OJA can be used as a learning experience for students.”
Hey Andy: KISS.
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Wait – baseball players are using steriods? When did this happen? Why wasn’t I informed? I am apalled and outraged! There should be a UN investigation! They should be ashamed of themselves! This is… aw, screw it, who even pretends to care about this anymore?
Baseball long ago gave up any pretense of purity. Given the state of boxing, I mean basketball, I guess we have to rely on football for integrity in sporting. No? Well, at least there’s always hockey…
Yesterday when I got home from work, I deleted 437 comments from my blog. These had all come within a period of less than 24 hours – in fact, the vast majority (something like 431 of them) came between 2pm and 4pm. Not a single one of these was from a ‘real’ person, unless there’s someone out there named “Buy Cialis!” I have had enough. Mr. Heerema, Mr. Graves: put up a wall!
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Tonight the Lone Strangers will be playing at the M-Shop in a Battle of the Bands. We go on at 10:30, if you’re interested. Also, this is the picture of us that ran in the Des Moines Register, but they apparently don’t have a copy online. Also ALSO, if you have not yet picked up your copy of Trying and Failing, our 4 song EP, this show would be a great place to get a copy for only $4.
See you there!