The Real Pat Blair

Avril Lavigne Engaged to Sum 41 Frontman
Oh, if ever there were a couple that deserved each other. With any luck, Avril and Deryck will retire, live happily ever after, and have lots of kids with made-up names. But PLEASE, don’t let them be musicians.

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The Amazing Tom Cruise
Much has been made of the tension between Tom Cruise and Matt Lauer in this interview, but surprisingly little attention has been focused on how absolutely asinine and blatantly untrue Cruise’s statements are. Here is something that no one has mentioned.

Cruise: You know what? There’s always cynics. There always has been. There always will be.
Lauer: You laugh about it, or does it just bug you?
Cruise: No. I have never worried, Matt, about what other people think and what other people say.

Unless you insinuate that Tom is gay, of course. Then he will sue you for $100 million. Then there’s the matter of his infamous confidentiality agreements. So much for never worrying about what other people think.
The highlight, though, is listening to the self-absorbed Cruise lecturing Lauer on the finer points of mental health.

I’ve never agreed with psychiatry, ever. Before I was a Scientologist I never agreed with psychiatry. And ...And I know that psychiatry is a pseudo science.
...Here's the problem. You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do.
...All it does is mask the problem, Matt. And if you understand the history of it, it masks the problem. That's what it does. That's all it does. You're not getting to the reason why. There is no such thing as a chemical imbalance.
...(Brooke Shields) doesn't understand the history of psychiatry. She doesn't understand in the same way that you don't understand it, Matt.

I don’t want to be arrogant, here, but this is a lecture being given by a high-school dropout. Lauer, who dropped out of Ohio University only four credits away from graduation with an education degree, finished his degree in 1997. Talk about a panel of experts.

Lauer: I’m just saying. But aren’t there examples where (Ritalin) works?
Cruise: Matt. Matt, Matt, you don’t even — you’re glib. You don’t even know what Ritalin is. If you start talking about chemical imbalance, you have to evaluate and read the research papers on how they came up with these theories, Matt, okay? That’s what I’ve done. Then you go and you say where’s the medical test? Where’s the blood test that says how much Ritalin you’re supposed to get?
Lauer: It’s very impressive to listen to you. Because clearly, you’ve done the homework. And you know the subject.

Sigh.
Will somebody tell Tom Cruise that not only is he not a doctor, he doesn’t play one on TV either.

Success! Pat uses his motorcycle to pick up chicks.

Mr. Andrew Penke, brilliant song-writer, musician, human-being, and guest-keyboardist for the Lone Strangers, has unknowingly answered the ‘big question’ of the week: “Why the heck are we doing this?”
While discussing our Saturday show, he said (and I paraphrase/misquote): “I had fun. You guys are a fun band. People are out having fun, then you come on stage, and the room gets even more fun. No one will probably ever follow you around because they really want to hear your music, but they’ll come because your shows are fun.”
Why do we do what we do? Why do people pay to come experience it? Because it’s fun. And that’s OK. And, as a bonus, maybe we can convince somebody that having fun and being a Christian are not mutually exclusive things.
Rock on.

The Lone Strangers have been gigging more consistently in the last two months than ever before. It has been trying, but rewarding; difficult, but fun. One thing has become quite clear to me, especially after consecutive last-minute shows: I really, REALLY appreciate my/our fans/friends. You guys rock my face off, and I love you. Really. Which brings me to the problem.
Allow me to bare my soul in a completely inappropriate forum: I am having a severe crisis of conscience, spurred by, I think, our last gig at Peoples. Our fans – my friends – came, paid a cover, and heard us play the same crap that we’ve been playing for a year or two (with some variations, mind you, but mainly just different mistakes than the other times). My paid their hard-earned money and stayed out late on a weeknight to support us. Maybe because you like the music, but mainly, I think, to support us.
What, as a band, are we trying to get out of these shows? How do we measure success? Two different ways. The first: are we having fun? Is the crowd having fun? Did we play well? If the answer to each question is “yes,” then, by one measure, the show is successful. The second: did we reach new fans? Will they intentionally come see us again, and bring their friends? Did we sell any CDs? Did we get paid much? At all? Are we expanding our audience and increasing the reach of the band? Again, “yes” is the ideal answer.
By the first measure, the People’s show was a success. By the second, however, it was an utter failure. We sold 0 CDs, we had 0 people sign up for the mailing list, and we made 0 dollars. And, in fact, by this measure, every show we have played in Ames and Des Moines in the past two months has been an abysmal, unmitigated disaster. We are not selling CDs, and we are not getting new fans – we are just playing for our friends.
This is all well and good for a while, but eventually our friends are going to get sick of us. Heck, I’m about sick of us. Many of you will keep coming, because you are our friends, but the crowd will slowly shrink, and no one will be having a good time. Trust me on this – it’s not an abnormal thing. And, since you are my friend, I don’t want to do this to you.
The economics of this are killing me, too. For every $5 cover you pay, the band probably gets somewhere between 50 cents and a dollar, give or take. I realize the club needs to make money, but, at some point, if we’re only playing for our friends, I think it becomes absurd to do anything other than set up in my basement and charge a $1 cover. You’ll come – you’re my friend, remember? It certainly is better than paying $5, and, honestly, my basement probably sounds better than some of the clubs we play. It won’t be nearly as loud, that’s for sure (I sure hope no one that books us is reading this). But a basement gig doesn’t sound like all that much fun. Which brings me to my question:
Why the heck are we doing this? Is there any reason to keep going? Besides my childish ambitions to rock-stardom? Because, from a purely logical standpoint, I just can’t see one.

Guess who was named “Dads of the Year” by the National Father’s Day Council? That’s right, none other than the portraits-of-commitment known as Donald Trump and Larry King. Chairman Rich Wurtzburger said that King and Trump have shown “great dedication to raising their families.” King has six kids and has been married seven (SEVEN!) times. No, I’m not making this up. Unfortunately.
Wurtzburger tried to deflect criticism by claiming that the award was not for husband of the year: “You can see that he is very close to each of his kids.” I call shenanigans. Good dads stick it out and demonstrate commitment to their kids. They are selfless, hard working, and they always place the interests of the child first. As study after study shows, it is in the best interest of EVERY kid to have a mom and a dad that are together.
I’m not saying that you can’t be a good parent if you don’t fit these qualifications. Nor am I saying that you don’t love your kids – we live in an imperfect world. All I’m saying is that we should give credit where the credit is due. Therefore, as the self-appointed Ambassador of Common Sense, I am proud to award to EVERY dad who, with mom, has worked hard to raise their kids well. Congratulations – you’ve earned it!
Incidentally, I predict a narrow victory for Paris Hilton in the “Daughter of the Year” competition. Just because she is a tramp and an embarassment to her family (not to mention society) does’t mean that she doesn’t love her parents!

The Lone Strangers have taken another gig, this time with LESS than 24 hours notice.

Tuesday, 6/14/05
Peoples – Ames, IA
with Ben from Twistin’ Trees, others.
Ages 21+
$2 cover, 2-fer’s on bottles

Yes, for those of you keeping score at home, that is TONIGHT. So, if you’re of legal drinking age, want to hang out LATE on a Tuesday, and are curious to see what the Strangers sound like when they are unrehearsed and without keyboard player for the first time, this is the show for you!
On the plus side, it’s only $2.
On the plus-er side, if you can’t come to this, we’re playing at the Bali on Saturday night, with a guest keyboardist, and we will have practiced for that one.

Clear your calenders!

Matt and Pat (and maybe friends)
Friday, June 3rd at the Bali Satay
Show starts about 9:30pm
Also playing: Fraught and 3PK

I’m hopeful that, like us, most of you have nothing planned for a Friday night and will be able to come. See you there!