The Real Pat Blair

The reason that you come to college, in theory, anyway, is pursuit of knowledge.  In reality, it’s generally pursuit of a diploma en route to pursuit of cash (with pursuit of some kickin’ parties in the interim), but let’s pretend for a second that everyone is all about getting their learn on.
In fact, there are a few people (faculty, mainly) who are all about knowledge.  Science rules supreme.  While not all will admit to it (though many do), science is their god.  Given the opportunity, these folks can even make a pretty compelling case for the pursuit of the almighty know.  And, you know, there is something to be said for bettering yourself, filling your brain, and becoming a smarter (or at least better educated) person, so why not go all out?
Because that would be silly.
Case in point: foxnews.com reports, “Study: Polar Bear Genitals Are Shrinking.”

Scientists report that this shrinkage could, in the worst-case scenario, endanger polar bears on Greenland and elsewhere by spoiling their love lives and causing their numbers to peter out.

I’ll be the first to admit that the article is well written, but my question is, who studies this?  Who even comes up with the idea?  How much second-hand bong-smoke must one inhale before thinking, “Hey, you know what I want to do over the next 3-7 years?  Study polar bear genitals!!!  Yeah, dude, that would be awesome!”  Even worse, who figures out HOW to do this?  ‘Scientific method’ my foot!
In spite of all this, the silliest part of the whole study is the conclusion: the cause of this is pollutants from humans, and the impact is that polar bears will become extinct, and it will be OUR FAULT.  Tell me they didn’t have that decided in advance.
The problem with spending too much time in academia, like government, is that you lose touch with the real world.  Completely and totally.  Think I’m kidding?  Ask a recent graduate.  Then read this article – Study: Fiber Keeps You Regular by Damaging Your Intestines.  “Hi, I’m Earth. Have we met?”

Ah, the first weekend after classes… and it’s looking to be a lively one, based on the weather that is predicted and the general commotion that I’ve witnessed so far.  This is the time of year when new students begin to realize that all of the caricatures of characters in Animal House may not have actually been caricatures.  And the same characters may very well still be in (or worse, around) college, possibly on this very campus.  Keeping that in mind, I’d like to share a few words of wisdom, specifically targeted at the freshmen here at Iowa State: “Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.”
Sure, it was a joke in the movie, but I’ve met more that a few people who could benefit by taking that to heart.  And, over the next several years (days), you’ll meet these people, too.  If you don’t, perhaps you should take a long, hard look in the mirror.  Just a thought.
Some things to remember as the weekend approaches: if you are under the age of 21, it is technically illegal for you to consume or be in possession of alcoholic beverages.  If you are caught breaking these rules, it gets expensive quickly.  It gets more expensive more quicklier if bars or cars are involved.  It’s nice to see your name in the paper, but not if it’s in the police blotter.
It may seem as though everyone who is under age is drinking.  In fact, I could probably do a completely valid study and statistically prove it.  But that is not really the point.  The point is that it’s illegal, and by breaking the law, you could get into a butt-ton (metric) of trouble.  Also, for the record, when I came to college, I did not drink under age.  I went to some pretty spectacular parties, but I was sober.  It can be done.  Just so you know.
If, however, you think I am an old stick in the mud (true) and it’s OK to ignore my advice (false) – which I know many will – let me offer some follow-up suggestions.  For starters, if you’re going to drink, do it in the dorms.  If someone gets sick, help is nearby.  You don’t need to drive anywhere, or catch a ride with someone who probably has no business on the road.  A walk home down the hall is a lot safer, in multiple respects, than a walk across town.  And, if you do get caught, the punishments are FAR less severe.  I know it seems counter-intuitive, but trust me on this one, folks.
Stay away from random house-parties, especially if you happen to be of the female persuasion.  Always travel in large groups.  I don’t think this needs explanation; heck, it shouldn’t even need to be said, but it does.  DON’T BE STUPID.
Know your limits.  Do not drink so much that you throw up.  That is your bodies way of telling you that the law of diminishing returns kicked in about an hour ago but you were too dumb to figure it out.  Not only is it a waste of money and perfectly bad beer (it’s Keystone - I know), but you’re causing serious harm to your system.  There is no reason to drink so much that you get sick – I have seen lots of people get lots of drunk without needing to puke.  It can be done.  Again, don’t be stupid.
Speaking of which, if you find yourself wandering around in public and see some fine officers of the law, remember this: you can be drunk.  You can be stupid.  You just cannot be drunk and stupid at the same time – that is called public intox, and will get you a nice ticket, and perhaps a pleasant overnight stay at some fine Story County facilities.
Choose your company wisely.  If you know someone who is not able to drink without taking off their clothes/fighting/starting fires/etc, this is probably not a good person to party with.  See above comment regarding drunk and stupid.
Don’t drive, don’t ride, WALK or take the bus.  If someone is trying to take your keys, they are trying to help you out.  Give them the keys.  And, if you’re really up for a good time, your pants, too.  Or you could just be a sober partier, and save yourself a lot of trouble.  But what do I know?  I’ve only been here for a couple decades, I could be wrong.

This is a continuation of yesterday’s College Tips blog.

If you are new to Iowa State, you may have heard that, on all campus roads, pedestrians have the right of way.  This is TECHNICALLY correct, but I don’t recommend testing this too thoroughly.  If there is a long line of traffic, it’s OK to cross at a small break, but make sure that you make eye contact with the driver first.  If the driver happens to be simultaneously talking on the phone, smoking a cigarette, and applying make-up, maybe wait for the next break in traffic. If there’s only one car coming, don’t be a jerk, wait for it to pass.  Yes, you TECHNICALLY have the right of way, but if the driver doesn’t stop in time, you could TECHNICALLY wind up as road kill, so use discretion in exercising your theoretical rights as a pedestrian.
A special note: these motor vehicle rules apply doubly if the vehicle happens to be a Cy-Ride bus.  You may have also heard the rumor that if you get hit by a Cy-Ride, you get free tuition.  This is not true.  If you get hit by a bus, you die.  End of story.
A second special note: while you will probably not die if you get hit by a motorcycle, it will be unpleasant.  I recommend waiting for all motorcycles to pass as well.  If someone is driving a motorcycle, odds are that they are probably a douche-bag.  Don’t tempt fate.
A final special note: these rules apply on campus only.  If I’m driving down Lincoln Way, have a green light, and you and your friends feel the need to cross in front of me, I will run you over.  Walking is a privilege, not a right.

Welcome to college!  You’ll probably spend more time walking (in more miserable kinds of weather) over the next 4 to 12 years than any other time in your life.  So here are a few helpful tips to ease your rush-hour entry into pedestrian traffic.
The most important might be to remember that sidewalk traffic patterns mimic highway traffic patterns.  Stay in the right lane.  Faster traffic can pass on the left.  Sometimes there is gridlock, especially at intersections; make eye contact and take turns and everything will be fine.  If you are a jerk, you will probably get into an accident, hopefully with a football player.
If you are with a group of friends, don’t walk five-wide side-by-side.  This is rude, and will also probably lead to the aforementioned accident with a football player.  Or maybe an obese bicyclist.
Speaking of which, as a general rule, while on the sidewalk yield to traffic with wheels – bikes, skateboards, roller blades, wheel chairs, and especially motor vehicles (if there are motor vehicles on campus sidewalks, I recommend staying far out of the way – especially if it appears to be a lost student and not University maintenance).  It is easier to pause at an intersection for a split second on foot than it is on a bike.  Besides, most operators are polite drivers; they realize that one subtle shove could really mess up their Christmas, so it works out pretty well.  Tomorrow, I’ll discuss pedestrian traffic on the streets, so hopefully this will keep you alive until then.
One final thought: while it may seem intuitive to stay to the right when walking down the sidewalk, realize that this is because it matches traffic patterns.  Therefore, if someone is not from the USA, but instead from a place where cars drive on the LEFT side of the road (say, most of the rest of the world), this person will likely default to walking down the left side of the sidewalk.  They will do this especially if, as you approach each other, you are the only people who are using the sidewalk.
I figured this out when I was in London and kept walking down the right side of the stairs when I was using the Tube.  Not only did I invariably end up walking into heavy traffic, most people felt the need to give me a dirty look.  Even when I realized that I was supposed to go to the left, I still almost invariably ended up going right without thinking about it.  It’s hard to change 18 years of training.
So, if you see someone who looks like they might be (a lot) further from home than you are, and this someone is walking down the wrong side of side of the path, just move to the left.  It will make their lives easier, they will feel more welcome, and you won’t need to run them over in an ugly, head-on collision, just to prove that you had the right-of-way.