Those of you who know me (or keep decent tabs on this blog) are well aware that I may not be the greatest cook. Though my belt line is starting to indicate otherwise, I will never be accused of knowing my way around a kitchen. Just a buffet line. But last night, I invented what I believe to be a brand new delicacy: Hot Dog Fried Rice.
OK, maybe that should be brand new low-budget white-trash delicacy. Curious? You should be!
Hot Dog Fried Rice
Ingredients
2 Hot Dogs
1(ish) Cup Uncooked Rice -OR-
2(ish) Cups Day-old Cooked Rice (Better!)
2 eggs
Some milk
Vegetable Oil
Optional flavor enhancers
Cinnamon
Garlic
MSG
Onions
Peppers
Soy Sauce
Hot Sauce
Etc.
Cook rice - OR - take cooked rice out of fridge.
Heat wok (or, if you are like me, frying pan) as HOT as it will go. Then keep heating it. Chop hot dogs into little tiny pieces; symmetry is optional, but recommended. Break and scramble eggs in a separate, inappropriate container (such as a tall, skinny, plastic cup), adding milk and any spices that you’d like.
Pour some vegetable oil on the pan. Use enough to cover the cooking surface, unless your pan cost $1.99 and is hopelessly warped, causing all the oil to run to the perimeter. Then just guess. When all the leftovers have burned off of the pan, filling the kitchen with smoke, add the symmetrical hot dog pieces, as well as any optional veggies. Shake/stir often. The pan, not you.
Note: it is OK to use the ends of the hot dogs while cooking, though it is recommended that you eat those prior to cooking in order to preserve the geometric integrity of the recipe, as well as to prevent excess hunger. Because you no doubt started cooking when you were ready to eat, and that just doesn’t work well.
When the hot dogs look appropriately cooked/seared, add the rice, and possibly spices/sauces. Continue to stir to keep from getting Scorched Rice. After a minute or so, pour in the eggs. This is a good time to add some spices/sauces. Continue stirring until the egg-and-rice combination is cooked. Dump on plate and kitchen floor simultaneously, and add final spices/sauces. Allow to cool briefly, sample, burn tongue, repeat until edible/mouth is so blistered that it no longer detects temperature or flavor.
See, how much easier could it be?
Ghetto? Of course. But you know, it tasted OK. And it gave me an opportunity to use my rice-cooker-that-I-purchased-believing-that-it-was-a-Crockpot. But that’s another story for another day.
The headline on the piece of mail (can mail even have headlines?) announced with great enthusiasm and boldness: PATRICK BLAIR, YOU’VE BEEN SELECTED TO GET TWO FREE COLOR-SCREEN FLIP PHONES. What, no exclamation point?
I couldn’t believe my good fortune! Not one, but TWO flip phones - with color screens! But then reality set in. The phones would make pretty decorations, but, seeing as I don’t actually have a cell phone or service, they wouldn’t really do me much good. It was very nice of Cingular to pick me to win their contest - they sent me a very personal letter with bright orange colors and everything - but what on earth am I going to do with two phones? Call myself? That would make me sad.
What else can you do with cell phones?
I guess I’ve got a baseball bat sitting around here somewhere.
This has started making the rounds on the internet, so I’ll throw it up before you get to see it everywhere else. It’s an advertisement for a Flea Market that, believe it or not, is JUST LIKE a mini-mall.
Movie Disclaimer of the Week: The disclaimer for the Cedric the Entertainer flick “Code Name: Cleaner” warns of “sexual content, crude humor and some violence.” My guess is it should really warn, “crude sexuality, violent content and some humor.”
I haven’t seen the movie; I’m assuming Easterbrook hasn’t, either. However, I am willing to bet large sums of money that he is correct. Wouldn’t it be nice if all “disclaimers” were so accurate?
On a related note, have you ever seen a movie trailer and wondered to yourself, “Why do they keep making this crap?” Well, let me tell you - because it’s profitable.
See, Cedric’s new movie probably cost about $20 million or so to make. Because black audiences tend to show up to movies in a bloc, the movie will probably make $50 million on opening weekend. This is why the Wayans brothers are still making movies, too.
For the record, this isn’t racist; it’s a comment on human behavior. The same could be said about teenagers and horror movies. Or, during the 80’s, white folks and Chevy Chase movies. Or guys and action movies. Or girls and those FREAKING RIDICULOUS NICHOLAS SPARKS MOVIES. Not that it bothers me, or anything.
So the next time you see an ad for Saw 17, Renegade Warrior 9, Unrealistic Romantic Chick Flick starring Meg Ryan and Julia Roberts, or anything - ANYTHING - featuring a Wayans, do the world a favor and DON’T GO TO THE MOVIE. Then, maybe, with luck, studios will stop making money and stop making terrible movies.
Just ask Chevy.
Atheist: The burden of proof is on you to establish the existence of this so-called “god” but I believe that if there was any such divine entity “it” would not want us to continue dating. Intelligent Design Theorist: Our relationship bears the marks of irreducible complexity making it too difficult to explain by way of natural causes. Therefore, there the most reasonable conclusion is that we were designed to break up since things have gotten so complicated.
And so on. Please note, it takes a special kind of psuedo-intellectual religiou-cynic to truly appreciate the brilliance of this particular post. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Also, Adam, you forgot my favorite:
Lutheran: I want our relationship to continue, but first there are a few things about you that God wants to change. Here is a list of 95 that I made. What? OK, then, I guess we’re done.
So, Apple unveiled their new iPhone today (don’t ask me how I managed to post about this before Mac… er, I mean Matt), and I must say that it looks pretty sweet.
In addition to doing everything that you’d expect from a $500 (yikes!) phone (email, WiFi, launch nuclear missiles, etc.), the new iPhone is also a wide-screen 4GB iPod (if you want 8GB, it’s $600 (double yikes!)). This means that you can watch all of your downloaded shows in 320×480 resolution. OR you could buy a (comparatively) enormous 13″ TV at a pawnshop for $20, but that might not fit in your pocket.
The iPhone is small, sleek-looking, and even button-less. It features a stylus-free touch-screen, allegedly designed from some new space-age material that will not get all finger-printed and nasty. This is where I think they will have a problem. There is simply no way that you can thumb-type on a digital Qwerty keyboard that is less than 2.4 inches wide, unless, of course, you have fingers the size of ants. Or styluses. Styli? Regardless, I think it will be tough to get Treo owners to switch over, especially since the phone runs OS X (overkill?), and syncs up via iTunes.
Have I mentioned that iTunes has officially become the most bloated, unwieldy, ridiculous software ever? Download mp3s, organize music, watch movies and TV shows, use your telephone, design websites, screen-print t-shirts… I think it’s safe to say that it’s now worse than Windows Media Player.
Of course, that’s just the opinion of a dedicated PC user running WinAmp v2.91.
I’m beginning to realize that my microwave is not working properly. Oh, sure, it still heats things up, but only certain things, like plates and bowls. These get hot - dangerously so - almost immediately. Other things, though, like food? Not so much.
For a while, now, I have been blaming the dishes for not being “microwave-safe.” But I purchased some dishes that were labeled “microwave-safe,” and they still seem to have the same problem. Have I misunderstood? Does “microwave-safe” mean “this dish can be safely heated to 600 degrees Fahrenheit in a microwave without affecting the temperature of the contents?” No? Didn’t think so.
I guess this could mean it’s time to blame the microwave. But instead I think I’ll blame Matt, who, while we lived together from August 2002 through May 2003, used the microwave to, on at least one occasion, turn a bag of popcorn into a charcoal briquette. Yes, Matt, it is clearly your fault. You were young and foolish (and inspired the sign, “Danger, Matt Cooking”), but how could you have done such a thing?
Some might say that it is time to start over, to purchase another microwave, especially since they only cost like $30 these days. But it has a been good microwave. It arrived with me at Friley Hall in the days when there were rules in the Terms and Conditions limiting microwave power to something like 800 watts. We were rebels, even in the early days, me and my 1200 watt microwave.
Heck, microwaves hadn’t even been ALLOWED in individual rooms of the Res Halls for very long - only a few years earlier, an entire floor had to share (and clean) a den microwave. There wasn’t even internet in every room - you had to pay extra if you wanted it! That’s how far back we go, and that’s why I’m sticking by my microwave. I’m not giving on you, M.W! I’ll never listen to the nay-sayers - I’m here for you!
Well, not unless your “Popcorn” button breaks. Then you’re on your own.
The new Modest Mouse song, Dashboard, is up for listening on both modestmousemusic.com and their MySpace. Featuring the four-on-the-floor disco beat, a horn-line, and great pop melodies, old-school Modest Mouse fans pretty much despise the song.
I think it’s freakin’ amazing, and I can’t wait for the new album. They sound more and more like Talking Heads all the time. Check it out, but don’t blame me when it gets stuck in your head.
ESPN’s Bill Simmons - The Sports Guy - makes a compelling argument that NCAA football games are more exciting to attend than NFL games.
…there’s really no comparison between attending a big NFL game and attending a big college football game. Between the tailgates, cheerleaders, marching bands and fight songs, the life-or-death mentality of the fan bases, the pace of the games, the purity of the experience itself … it’s just not close. College football crushes pro football as a spectator sport. And it’s mainly because of the TV timeouts (endless in the NFL), the canned/predictable songs blaring from the PA system (they’re the same in every NFL stadium) and the lifeless, state-of-the-art stadiums that every NFL owner builds now, where they separate the levels with luxury boxes and diehard fans are trapped in the nosebleeds 200-250 feet from the field. Of the newer NFL stadiums, only Seattle’s seems to provide a real home-field advantage, and that’s only because Paul Allen hired someone to figure out how the layout of a stadium could reflect noise (the answer: through aluminum seats and a specially constructed end zone section). It’s just not that fun to go to an NFL game anymore. College? Very fun.
I’ve been saying this for a long time, and it’s nice to see someone else finally agree. Sure, the NFL has better athletes, but they are now on payroll (officially), and it has become a career. That takes some of the fight out of everyone, even if subconsciously. Many DI-A NCAA players will never go pro, and they realize that, and play accordingly. The games are just more intense.
Just because they aren’t pro’s, the players are tremendously skilled. But they, on occasion, will still make mistakes that no pro would even consider (except Rex Grossman). I say this makes the game more exciting. Especially with overtime rules that are far superior to the sudden-death nonsense.
Finally, I think the college fan-bases are larger, and better. This could be tough to prove, but there are 100-some DI-A schools, and somehow there are 70,000 seats filled EVERY WEEKEND in Lincoln, Nebraska - making Memorial Stadium the 3rd largest city in the Nebraska. There’s a reason all 32 NFL teams are in major cities. But wouldn’t it be fun to see them try a franchise in Ames, IA?
Finally, an observation about NBA vs NCAA basketball. Sure the NBA playoffs ran from May 1st to June 20th last year, and featured an astonishing 3 teams (out of 16) that finished the season without a winning record, and I’m sure they were really exciting, but did you fill out a bracket? Were you attacked in the stands by a player or owner at an NCAA game? Did you ever say to yourself, “I’m glad that you can take 4 steps without being called for traveling.” Didn’t think so.