The Real Pat Blair

The song “Lips of an Angel” by Hinder (no link - I can’t bear it) is, quite possibly, one of the biggest pieces of garbage to grace the airwaves recently. The caliber of song and performance would embarrass some of the most shameless power-balladeers from the late 80’s. The number 3 tag on Amazon, behind “music” and “rock,” is “crap.” I am not making this up. It’s bad. Like, injure-fingers-changing-the-radio-station bad. So, of course, the youth of America gobbled it up - it hit Billboard’s Hot 100 chart in July 2006, peaked at #3, and is still on (as of the 3/3/07 edition) at #39.
You know what this means, right?
Yup: country cover.
Jack Ingram released a twangified version of “Lips of an Angel” as the first single from his new album, out March 27. You can hear the first 2 minutes at his myspace or his home page (after fast-forwarding through his pre-recorded message).
You know how some things just don’t work together? Like Pat Boone doing Metallica? Or putting garlic in Diet Pepsi? Or Britney Spears? Yeah, it’s like that.
Take a terrible song, where the strongest point is the driving chorus and monster-rock bridge, and turn it into a country ballad - a poorly performed one, at that. Yikes. I saw the video on CMT and couldn’t stop watching because I couldn’t believe that they were serious. It’s like the Flash Gordon movie where Queen did the soundtrack. This has to be a joke, right? No one ACTUALLY thought this was a good idea, right? People aren’t actually listening to this, right? Wrong.
It’s things like this that make me understand Contemporary Christian Music better. One word: Nashville (more on that later).
So if you need a good cry, go give ‘er a listen. And remember, guns don’t kill people, record execs do.

I’ve myspaced and facebooked everyone I know (as well as a few that I don’t), but here’s the details:

Balipalooza II
The Lone Strangers, SNAFU, Saint Radar, Otter
Saturday, March 3, 9pm
Bali Satay House
$5, ages 18+

I believe that the Strangers are ‘headlining,’ meaning that if you come late, you’ll still be able to see us. Let me recommend that you catch SNAFU, though, as they are really good. Like, REALLY good.
Also, 3/3 is apparently Rolling Rock day, or something like that. So, if you are of age and interested, there will be specials, and some freebies at some point, as well.
See you there!

For those of you that may not know, I am currently searching for a “real” job, or at least something that pays like one. Being a booking manager and sound tech at a local club is a great time, and I love my work, but the reality is that there is not a great deal of money to be made in the Central Iowa entertainment industry. About $2.50 this year, in fact. Fortunately, I’m good at what I do, because there are a lot of greedy hands going after that two-fiddy.
I think the end may be near, though:

[Name Removed] bikini bar now hiring dancers. Up to $500 per night. Great personality is only requirement! Apply in person after 5pm…

$500/night? Wow! And I’m pretty sure I can bluff having a great personality well enough to get through an interview. I’m pretty excited about this opportunity. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

A photo from foxnews.com, where the activists are lamenting terrorist attacks on a train station:

No offense, guys, but that translation stinks.

Sometimes reading different Bible translations can be quite helpful in gaining new insight and understanding. Take Psalm 23, for example. The ESV reads:

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name’s sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

The Messages takes a few liberties:

God, my shepherd! I don’t need a thing.
You have bedded me down in lush meadows,
you find me quiet pools to drink from.
True to your word,
you let me catch my breath
and send me in the right direction.

Even when the way goes through
Death Valley,
I’m not afraid
when you walk at my side.
Your trusty shepherd’s crook
makes me feel secure.

You serve me a six-course dinner
right in front of my enemies.
You revive my drooping head;
my cup brims with blessing.

Your beauty and love chase after me
every day of my life.
I’m back home in the house of God
for the rest of my life.

And finally, a prayer from the mentally handicapped Tom Cullen in Stephen King’s “The Stand:”

“The Lord is my shepherd,” he recited softly. “I shall not want for nothing. He makes me lie down in the green pastures. He greases up my head with oil. He gives me kung-fu in the face of my enemies. Amen.”

I’ve had enough. I’m no longer looking for jobs in Iowa. This weather sucks. I want (in no particular order):

• Warm weather
• Low humidity, but never too dry
• Low cost of living
• Moderately priced housing
• Great paying job with flexible hours
• Moderate population - a couple hundred thousand
• Thriving music scene
• Friendly people
• Great food - good beef, good local restaurants & ethnic cuisine
• Good motorcycle
• Light, fast-moving traffic
• Good church
• A dog
• No crime
• Mountains
• An ocean/large body of water
• No tourists
• Other misc.
• All the other stuff I forgot

Any suggestions?

Apparently I talked really fast in the Rock Announcements this week, because I had multiple comments from people who couldn’t understand what I was saying. That was intentional in the disclaimer, but not so much for the rest. Sorry about that.
So to clarify, if you attend the Rock and would like your parents to attend the parents banquet, please email their contact info to Christie Johnson. I won’t post her email address here (hooray for spam!), but it’s available at the Rock web site.
Secondly, the Lone Strangers are playing tomorrow (or today, I guess) at the Lighthouse, 117 S Sheldon, at 4pm. This is the old Jocko’s building, where Salt Co used to meet back in the day (when most of you were in middle school) - right next to Taco Bell. It’s a free show, they’re taking donations for Bethesda Outreach Ministries to benefit orphans of AIDS victims in South Africa. We are doing a mixed Strangers/Rock set. It is going to be… fascinating. Feel free, but not obligated, to stop in if you are so inclined. Also playing are Atombender, Soulfire, Mike Bosworth, The Campus Crusade Band, and the Gary Sobbing Band.
Immediately afterwards, Dan Shea and I will be leaving for Des Moines, where we are playing for a Girl Scouts father-daughter dance. After that is hip-hop night at the Bali, where I will be a doorman. Then playing at church, bright and early on Sunday morning. I lead a fascinating life. I just wish the pay were better.

So, Valentine’s Day is coming up - it’s only a week away! I know there are mixed feelings about this alleged holiday. Sure, it very well may have been invented by greeting card companies, jewelers, candy store owners, and girlfriends. And yes, it the holiday is named after someone who was apparently killed because of their beliefs. Nonetheless, I personally think that St. Valentines day is a great holiday.

For me to poop on.

That said, remember my post about why Hollywood keeps making crappy movies? (Hint: it’s because you pay to go see them). Well, keeping that in mind, I should point out that there is a great new film called on the way called Music and Lyrics, starring Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore. It was written and directed by Marc Lawrence (Forces of Nature, Two Weeks Notice, Miss Congeniality 1 AND 2), and will be appearing 2/14 at a theater near you. How nice! A romantic comedy just in time for Valentine’s Day!
If any of you go to see this movie, I will buy a bow and arrow and go all cupid on your posterior.
Consider yourself warned.

So, favorite Super Bowl advertisements? As the 4th quarter was winding down and the “cheap” commercials were going on, I commented, and Matt agreed, that the ads had been a little weak this year. Some funny, sure, only a few stupid ones, but nothing that seemed really laugh-out-loud memorable. What I did notice was that there were a lot of OLD ads run, which seems sort of weak. The Grand-Theft-Auto Coca-Cola ad was hysterical - when I saw it before a movie at the dollar theater a month ago. Go Daddy has become so predictable that I perfectly timed when to “accidentally” stand in front of the projector the first time they showed their ad - if everyone can see it coming a mile away, I think the shock-value thing has stopped working. And, memo to execs, enough with the anthropomorphism, already! Seriously.
A few ads that I did love - GMC Robot. I had moved upstairs to the introvert room when this came on, so everyone was kind of aw-ing at the plight of the poor guy, and there was palpable horror in the room when he jumped, which made my laughing seem even more completely inappropriate. I think I have a problem.
I was also upstairs with the introverts for the Connectile Dysfunction ad. Again, a mostly silent/horrified room, except for Pat laying on the floor laughing in front of the TV. I think the commercial was actually a very tastefully done satire, and there was nothing at that was inappropriate. Then the guys downstairs started listing possible side-effects.
Most random and flat-out silly? One word - Goulet! This is the kind of ad that my mom would watch and go, “huh?” But everyone at the party thought it was brilliant. Regardless of the fact that no one can probably tell me what was being advertised, I give mad props to Emerald Nuts for making a commercial that was, well, nuts.
Finally, my early winner for best commercial: the Snickers Kiss. I saw where the ad was going as soon as the wrapper came off of the candy bar, so I was already laughing when the Lady and the Tramp action started. I did NOT, however, actually think that the guys would kiss. I had to make up a new word to describe it: defrightful! I suspect that this will get complaints from the activist gay community (homophobic!) and the activist religious community (men kissing on TV!), which makes it even funnier to me. All that I know is that I heard the phrase, “Quick! Do something manly!” about 5 times last night, and I don’t think it’s going to stop any time soon.
So… what do you think?

Here’s the scoop: tonight, Sunday, February 4th, 105.1 Channel Q is going to play a Lone Strangers tune on The Garage, which airs from 9-10pm. If you don’t live in central Iowa, you can still listen to the internet stream.
Of course, if you have your own copy of Trying and Failing, you can listen to us all the time. But still, this is a pretty cool thing for us. Who needs a Super Bowl when you’ve got the Lone Strangers on the radio?
Also, mark your calendars, because the Strangers will be appearing on The Garage, live and in person, on Sunday, April 29th!