LeBron James is tall, fast, and incredibly strong. He is a physically imposing presence on the basketball court who can seemingly take over a game at will. He can shoot well, make amazing passes, or, failing that, he will drive to the hoop and dunk on your head. Even while being fouled by three separate people, who also happen to be very large and very strong. LeBron James is dominating in basketball because of his unique physical gifts. Simply put, he is a freak of nature.
Fortunately, so am I! Though I may be shorter, slower, weaker, and more pale than LeBron James, I too am a freak of nature: I have a very broad chest and shoulders, and disproportionately long arms. I am a unique physical specimen. For a human. If you’re including gorillas, it’s a different story.
LeBron’s freakishness allows him to be an amazing basketball player. Mine allows me to not be able to purchase a dress-shirt that comes even close to fitting. See, men’s dress shirts are sized using two numbers. For example, a shirt sized 15 – 34 means that the collar is 15″ (in circumference) and the sleeve is 34″ (length from the middle of the back/shoulders to the wrist). How do I know this? Wikipedia!
In order to cut costs and make fewer sizes, most shirt makers combine sleeve lengths, for example, 15 – 32/33, or 16 – 34/35. If your arms are shorter, you can just button the sleeves in tighter so that the cuffs don’t hang over your hands. The problems with this are pretty obvious. Not only can the combined sleeve-lengths pose some issues, there are (at least) two measurements that are missing: waist size and torso size, or, as I like to call it, armpit inseam (I’m pretty sure that’s the technical term). A shoulder-to-shoulder measurement wouldn’t hurt either.
Here’s how it usually works for me. I have a 16.5″ neck, which is a pretty normal size – I generally see numbers ranging from 15″-18″ The biggest sleeves that most 16.5″ shirts have, though, is generally 34/35, which is a bit short to begin with. Then, magically, after a few wash/dry cycles, I have the worlds only 3/4 sleeve dress shirts. If, on the off chance, I can find a 16.5 – 36/37 shirt, it will be white – not striped, polka-dotted, or even blue, but just plain white – and the sleeves will fit perfectly. The shirt will also be long enough to wear as a nightgown.
This wouldn’t be a problem if they made low-crotch men’s dress pants, but since the don’t (at least not that I’ve found), I am forced to do some creative tucking so that it does not look like I am smuggling a half-deflated inner-tube in my khakis. This problem is exacerbated by the fact that people who wear shirts of this size apparently tend to tip the scales at right about 480 lbs. The neck and sleeves are perfect, but there is enough waist-space for two of me. This excess fabric is also impossible to tuck in, unless you are content to look like a sailboat. That is smuggling an inner-tube. And, even though the sleeves are the right length, the shoulders are still NEVER broad enough, meaning that I only have about 30% range of motion and the sleeves start mid-clavicle, which come to think of it, is probably why the dang things never fit in the first place!. Not that I’m frustrated or anything.
I have come up with a couple of possible solutions to this problem. First, I could just have my shirts custom-tailored. Then they would fit perfectly. I’m not sure how much this costs, but I am guessing it is significantly more than the $19.99/shirt that I am used to. The other option would be to find some kind soul who would happily alter, sew, wash, and iron my shirts out of the kindness of her… er, their hearts. This seems preferable, but, in the long run, would probably end up costing even more than a tailor.
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why I am just like LeBron James.
