Archive for the ‘Religion’ Category

Translating the Bible

Tuesday, February 20th, 2007

Sometimes reading different Bible translations can be quite helpful in gaining new insight and understanding. Take Psalm 23, for example. The ESV reads:

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name’s sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

The Messages takes a few liberties:

God, my shepherd! I don’t need a thing.
You have bedded me down in lush meadows,
you find me quiet pools to drink from.
True to your word,
you let me catch my breath
and send me in the right direction.

Even when the way goes through
Death Valley,
I’m not afraid
when you walk at my side.
Your trusty shepherd’s crook
makes me feel secure.

You serve me a six-course dinner
right in front of my enemies.
You revive my drooping head;
my cup brims with blessing.

Your beauty and love chase after me
every day of my life.
I’m back home in the house of God
for the rest of my life.

And finally, a prayer from the mentally handicapped Tom Cullen in Stephen King’s “The Stand:”

“The Lord is my shepherd,” he recited softly. “I shall not want for nothing. He makes me lie down in the green pastures. He greases up my head with oil. He gives me kung-fu in the face of my enemies. Amen.”

Posted in Religion, Smart Remarks | 3 Comments »

Breaking Up – An Exercise in Theology

Thursday, January 11th, 2007

Ochuk has written one of the laugh-out-loud funniest posts I have seen in awhile regarding “theologically sound” break-ups.

Atheist: The burden of proof is on you to establish the existence of this so-called “god” but I believe that if there was any such divine entity “it” would not want us to continue dating.
Intelligent Design Theorist: Our relationship bears the marks of irreducible complexity making it too difficult to explain by way of natural causes. Therefore, there the most reasonable conclusion is that we were designed to break up since things have gotten so complicated.

And so on. Please note, it takes a special kind of psuedo-intellectual religiou-cynic to truly appreciate the brilliance of this particular post. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Also, Adam, you forgot my favorite:

Lutheran: I want our relationship to continue, but first there are a few things about you that God wants to change. Here is a list of 95 that I made. What? OK, then, I guess we’re done.

Posted in Religion | 1 Comment »

Bad Theology Alert

Tuesday, December 5th, 2006

From foxnews.com:

Comedian Jackie Mason on Monday dropped a lawsuit in which he claimed the missionary group Jews for Jesus damaged him when it used his name and likeness in a pamphlet.
Mason appeared in federal court in Manhattan, where he accepted an apology from the group in return for dropping the lawsuit…
“There’s no such thing as a Jew for Jesus. It’s like saying a black man is for the KKK,” the 75-year-old Mason said. “You can’t be a table and a chair. You’re either a Jew or a gentile.”

I understand why Jackie would be upset that his likeness was used without his permission. Congratulations to both parties for handling this like adults instead of litigious jerks. I do think Jackie’s statement merits some analysis, though. For starters, wasn’t Jesus a Jew? Weren’t all of his initial followers? Just checking.
Part of the issue here is the common failure to distinguish between being ethnically Jewish and religiously Jewish – they are two completely different things. You are considered to be member of the Jewish race if your mother was Jewish (and therefore, her mother was Jewish, etc.). In that light, a Jewish Christian (or Jew for Jesus) is as reasonabe as an Irish Catholic, a German Jew, a Canadian Christian, a Mexican Buddhist, etc. The adjective refers to ethnic background, the noun is the religius belief.
In terms of religious beliefs, Mason is right – you can’t be a Jew for Jesus. It’s like being a Christian for Allah, or an Athiest for George W. Bush – it just doesn’t work that way. However, it is entirely possible for a gentile (meaning a non-Jew, ethnically) to convert to Judiasm – sort of like Madonna, except not really.
So, when it comes down to it, Mason was within his rights to sue Jews for Jesus, but wrong about pretty much everything else, including black men for the KKK. Hasn’t he ever heard of Clayton Bigsby?

Posted in Religion | 7 Comments »

Turd Fergie-son

Thursday, November 16th, 2006

I have been waiting a couple of days to post this one because I wanted to be comfortable with the site that I was linking, and for some reason pictures of Paris Hilton, even fully clothed, just seem really wrong.
Anyway, Fergie, famous for being in The Black Eyed Peas as well as her Gwen-ripped “London Bridge,” has this marvelous line in Vibe magazine (courtesy of The Chicago Sun-Times):

I may not have the type of voice you like, but I can sing. You can’t take that away from me, cause singing is a gift from God, and when people say I can’t sing, it’s kind of like insulting God.

I love it when hip-hop stars get all theological. Ferg, what if I’m just implying that God had a sense of humor when he created you knowing that you would become famous? Huh? What about that one? Are you insulting God’s cleverness?
Actually the best part about this line is that it references, almost verbatim, Nick Page’s “And Now Let’s Move Into a Time of Nonsense,” a book about how terribly written worship songs are failing the church. Page begins every chapter with a letter from a fictional worship leader, sharing his new (and dreadful) song, and closing with a, um, humble request for suggestions:

Anyway, here’s the one that the Lord gave to me this morning on the way to work.

God is doing new things,
All the time;
Shiny new wineskins
With shiny new wine.
A new anointing,
And new words to speak,
I really hope my wineskin
Will never spring a leak.

Oh, heal our leaky wineskins,
Restore our dried out lakes;
We want to feel your Spirit,
When the waters break.

…Any advice, criticism gratefully received, although you ought to be aware that I have been anointed so any criticism of me will, technically, be criticising God.

So basically Fergie, in complete and total seriousness, unintentionally echoed a spoof on pride from contemporary Christian literature.  Priceless.
What, you don’t think this is funny? Well that’s too bad, because my humor is a gift from God.

Posted in Music, Religion | 2 Comments »

A Purpose Driven Life…

Friday, March 24th, 2006

…the part that didn’t make the book.

Posted in Religion, Smart Remarks | 5 Comments »

Lamp? Feet? What?

Wednesday, March 15th, 2006

Psalm 57:7-10

 7 My heart is steadfast, O God,
       my heart is steadfast;
       I will sing and make music.
 8 Awake, my soul!
       Awake, harp and lyre!
       I will awaken the dawn.
 9 I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations;
       I will sing of you among the peoples.
 10 For great is your love, reaching to the heavens;
       your faithfulness reaches to the skies.

Posted in Religion | 2 Comments »