LeBron James is tall, fast, and incredibly strong. He is a physically imposing presence on the basketball court who can seemingly take over a game at will. He can shoot well, make amazing passes, or, failing that, he will drive to the hoop and dunk on your head. Even while being fouled by three separate people, who also happen to be very large and very strong. LeBron James is dominating in basketball because of his unique physical gifts. Simply put, he is a freak of nature.
Fortunately, so am I! Though I may be shorter, slower, weaker, and more pale than LeBron James, I too am a freak of nature: I have a very broad chest and shoulders, and disproportionately long arms. I am a unique physical specimen. For a human. If you’re including gorillas, it’s a different story.
LeBron’s freakishness allows him to be an amazing basketball player. Mine allows me to not be able to purchase a dress-shirt that comes even close to fitting. See, men’s dress shirts are sized using two numbers. For example, a shirt sized 15 – 34 means that the collar is 15″ (in circumference) and the sleeve is 34″ (length from the middle of the back/shoulders to the wrist). How do I know this? Wikipedia!
In order to cut costs and make fewer sizes, most shirt makers combine sleeve lengths, for example, 15 – 32/33, or 16 – 34/35. If your arms are shorter, you can just button the sleeves in tighter so that the cuffs don’t hang over your hands. The problems with this are pretty obvious. Not only can the combined sleeve-lengths pose some issues, there are (at least) two measurements that are missing: waist size and torso size, or, as I like to call it, armpit inseam (I’m pretty sure that’s the technical term). A shoulder-to-shoulder measurement wouldn’t hurt either.
Here’s how it usually works for me. I have a 16.5″ neck, which is a pretty normal size – I generally see numbers ranging from 15″-18″ The biggest sleeves that most 16.5″ shirts have, though, is generally 34/35, which is a bit short to begin with. Then, magically, after a few wash/dry cycles, I have the worlds only 3/4 sleeve dress shirts. If, on the off chance, I can find a 16.5 – 36/37 shirt, it will be white – not striped, polka-dotted, or even blue, but just plain white – and the sleeves will fit perfectly. The shirt will also be long enough to wear as a nightgown.
This wouldn’t be a problem if they made low-crotch men’s dress pants, but since the don’t (at least not that I’ve found), I am forced to do some creative tucking so that it does not look like I am smuggling a half-deflated inner-tube in my khakis. This problem is exacerbated by the fact that people who wear shirts of this size apparently tend to tip the scales at right about 480 lbs. The neck and sleeves are perfect, but there is enough waist-space for two of me. This excess fabric is also impossible to tuck in, unless you are content to look like a sailboat. That is smuggling an inner-tube. And, even though the sleeves are the right length, the shoulders are still NEVER broad enough, meaning that I only have about 30% range of motion and the sleeves start mid-clavicle, which come to think of it, is probably why the dang things never fit in the first place!. Not that I’m frustrated or anything.
I have come up with a couple of possible solutions to this problem. First, I could just have my shirts custom-tailored. Then they would fit perfectly. I’m not sure how much this costs, but I am guessing it is significantly more than the $19.99/shirt that I am used to. The other option would be to find some kind soul who would happily alter, sew, wash, and iron my shirts out of the kindness of her… er, their hearts. This seems preferable, but, in the long run, would probably end up costing even more than a tailor.
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why I am just like LeBron James.
Archive for the ‘Sports’ Category
I’m Just Like LeBron
Sunday, June 3rd, 2007Integrity in Athletics
Tuesday, March 20th, 2007The largest sports/steroids scandal yet is continuing to unfold. According to new reports, eleven professional wrestlers, including Kurt Angle, Randy Orton, Edge, The Hurricane, and Rey Mysterio, received HGH and other steroids from a pharmacy in Alabama. Now, we all know that professional football and baseball players have been using performance enhancing drugs for years, but pro wrestlers? I don’t know about you, but my confidence is shaken.
I fell in love with the then-WWF when I was in 2nd grade (1927). Hulk Hogan, Andre the Giant, The Iron Sheik, Rowdy Roddy Piper, Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat, Jake “The Snake” Roberts, The Ultimate Warrior… I could go on and on. Should I? OK, I’ll stop. Anyway, you get the point. I was heartbroken when, in the early 90’s, wrestling suffered from steroid scandals. Ultimately (if wikipedia can be believed) the name of owner Vince McMahon was cleared, and the sport continued, in spite of horrific insinuations by some that wrestling was “fake.”
Intense, over-sized men engaging in hand-to-hand combat in surreal, super-natural, and soap-opera situations? Fake? No, friends, this is simply the life of a professional (as opposed to a crappy amateur) wrestler. To suggest otherwise would be a disservice to these highly trained specimens.
The WWE has, in theory, a substance abuse policy in place, though it seems to be a bit vague. In order to preserve the integrity of the sport, I feel that the records off all athletes associated with using performance enhancing drugs should have an asterisk next to them. It is simply unfair to assume that Kurt Angle would have won all of those matches if he had not been doping. How must his vanquished opponents feel? Cheated, that’s how.
WWE cannot afford to lose the strength of character and honesty for which it is known. Fortunately, 60-year-old president Vince McMahon has the credibility to take a stand against these hard issues and shocking allegations.
NCAA Time
Thursday, March 15th, 2007At work last Wednesday night, our newspaper ad rep asked if I had big plans for Spring Break. As opposed to saying that I graduated four years ago and have pretty much been on Permanent Spring Break for the past 12 months, I just said, “No, I’ll be in Ames.” It was much easier. She was also doing nothing exciting, just going home. While waiting for the owner to grab some info, I sneaked a glance at one of the TVs because there was a rare moment of basketball in an otherwise crappy Big 10 tournament game (more on this after the break). I added to our conversation, “Actually, I’ll probably spend the entire week watching basketball. I LOVE tournament time.” She looked at me briefly, and said, “Ah,” and then went back to her non-work. I have never before received a look which conveyed so much in such a short amount of time, most of which was variations on the theme of, “I have suddenly realized that you’re sad and pathetic, and I have no desire to ever again speak with you.” So I laughed. Maybe you had to be there, but it was one of the funniest things I have witnessed in a long time.
Incidentally, I have spent most of the past week watching college basketball, which is pretty sad and pathetic. We should start a fortune-telling company.
***
So my bracket this year was perfect for a total of about 10 minutes – right up until the end of the second game (out of 63 total). I had Davidson over Maryland, which was almost a brilliant pick, right until they didn’t score in the last 3 minutes of the game.
My sophomore year of high school (back when they only let 12 teams into the tournament, games were played outdoors on dirt courts, and the NCAA was an honest organization devoted to academics instead of printing cash), I entered a large pool after pretty much not paying any attention whatsoever to the entire NCAA season. This was before the internet would tell you which wrong picks to make, so I did it on my own, based on name recognition, seed, and the team’s regular season record. I won, of course.
(Incidentally, there was certainly no money involved in this, because gambling is wrong, gambling on college sports is wronger, and doing so on school grounds is right out. Even the teachers did not have pools for money, because it was so wrong, and it would undermine their authority to discipline misguided students, which would also be very wrong. I did not win $70. I just wanted to make this clear.)
Since then, I have not been able pick anything but my nose. So my opinions on all of this can probably be ignored. BUT…
How on earth did 6 teams from the Big 10 make the tournament and only 4 from the Big 12? The Big 10 is TERRIBLE. I watched the Big 12 (Kansas/Texas) and Big 10 (Ohio St/Wisconsin) Championship games at the same time, and there was no comparison: the Big 10 is just flat awful. I eventually stopped changing the channels because the Big 12’s COMMERCIALS were more interesting than the Big 10 game. And this was between the 2 BEST TEAMS! It is common knowledge that after Ohio State and Wisconsin, there is a significant talent drop-off in the conference.
The selection committee claims that it doesn’t pay attention to conferences, but maybe they should, because this is horrific. On the plus side, it did make it much easier to fill out my bracket. Illinois? Purdue? Gimmes. Of course, the Big 10 always seems to over-perform in tournament settings due to the speed of play (or lack thereof) and the non-officiating, so maybe it will backfire. Nonetheless, my question is this: who would you rather see in the Final Four? Texas or Wisconsin? Kansas or Ohio State? Oklahoma State or Indiana? See what I mean about talent drop-off?
Point made. Back to the TV. I am NOT pathetic.
Super Bowl Ad
Monday, February 5th, 2007So, favorite Super Bowl advertisements? As the 4th quarter was winding down and the “cheap” commercials were going on, I commented, and Matt agreed, that the ads had been a little weak this year. Some funny, sure, only a few stupid ones, but nothing that seemed really laugh-out-loud memorable. What I did notice was that there were a lot of OLD ads run, which seems sort of weak. The Grand-Theft-Auto Coca-Cola ad was hysterical – when I saw it before a movie at the dollar theater a month ago. Go Daddy has become so predictable that I perfectly timed when to “accidentally” stand in front of the projector the first time they showed their ad – if everyone can see it coming a mile away, I think the shock-value thing has stopped working. And, memo to execs, enough with the anthropomorphism, already! Seriously.
A few ads that I did love – GMC Robot. I had moved upstairs to the introvert room when this came on, so everyone was kind of aw-ing at the plight of the poor guy, and there was palpable horror in the room when he jumped, which made my laughing seem even more completely inappropriate. I think I have a problem.
I was also upstairs with the introverts for the Connectile Dysfunction ad. Again, a mostly silent/horrified room, except for Pat laying on the floor laughing in front of the TV. I think the commercial was actually a very tastefully done satire, and there was nothing at that was inappropriate. Then the guys downstairs started listing possible side-effects.
Most random and flat-out silly? One word – Goulet! This is the kind of ad that my mom would watch and go, “huh?” But everyone at the party thought it was brilliant. Regardless of the fact that no one can probably tell me what was being advertised, I give mad props to Emerald Nuts for making a commercial that was, well, nuts.
Finally, my early winner for best commercial: the Snickers Kiss. I saw where the ad was going as soon as the wrapper came off of the candy bar, so I was already laughing when the Lady and the Tramp action started. I did NOT, however, actually think that the guys would kiss. I had to make up a new word to describe it: defrightful! I suspect that this will get complaints from the activist gay community (homophobic!) and the activist religious community (men kissing on TV!), which makes it even funnier to me. All that I know is that I heard the phrase, “Quick! Do something manly!” about 5 times last night, and I don’t think it’s going to stop any time soon.
So… what do you think?
College vs. Pro
Friday, January 5th, 2007ESPN’s Bill Simmons – The Sports Guy – makes a compelling argument that NCAA football games are more exciting to attend than NFL games.
…there’s really no comparison between attending a big NFL game and attending a big college football game. Between the tailgates, cheerleaders, marching bands and fight songs, the life-or-death mentality of the fan bases, the pace of the games, the purity of the experience itself … it’s just not close. College football crushes pro football as a spectator sport. And it’s mainly because of the TV timeouts (endless in the NFL), the canned/predictable songs blaring from the PA system (they’re the same in every NFL stadium) and the lifeless, state-of-the-art stadiums that every NFL owner builds now, where they separate the levels with luxury boxes and diehard fans are trapped in the nosebleeds 200-250 feet from the field. Of the newer NFL stadiums, only Seattle’s seems to provide a real home-field advantage, and that’s only because Paul Allen hired someone to figure out how the layout of a stadium could reflect noise (the answer: through aluminum seats and a specially constructed end zone section). It’s just not that fun to go to an NFL game anymore. College? Very fun.
I’ve been saying this for a long time, and it’s nice to see someone else finally agree. Sure, the NFL has better athletes, but they are now on payroll (officially), and it has become a career. That takes some of the fight out of everyone, even if subconsciously. Many DI-A NCAA players will never go pro, and they realize that, and play accordingly. The games are just more intense.
Just because they aren’t pro’s, the players are tremendously skilled. But they, on occasion, will still make mistakes that no pro would even consider (except Rex Grossman). I say this makes the game more exciting. Especially with overtime rules that are far superior to the sudden-death nonsense.
Finally, I think the college fan-bases are larger, and better. This could be tough to prove, but there are 100-some DI-A schools, and somehow there are 70,000 seats filled EVERY WEEKEND in Lincoln, Nebraska – making Memorial Stadium the 3rd largest city in the Nebraska. There’s a reason all 32 NFL teams are in major cities. But wouldn’t it be fun to see them try a franchise in Ames, IA?
Finally, an observation about NBA vs NCAA basketball. Sure the NBA playoffs ran from May 1st to June 20th last year, and featured an astonishing 3 teams (out of 16) that finished the season without a winning record, and I’m sure they were really exciting, but did you fill out a bracket? Were you attacked in the stands by a player or owner at an NCAA game? Did you ever say to yourself, “I’m glad that you can take 4 steps without being called for traveling.” Didn’t think so.
Political Football and Nature’s Explosions
Saturday, November 11th, 2006Well, the Democrats are in charge of everything except the White House, and maybe the Supreme Court. Depending on what each party does over the next two years, what happens with fundamentalist terrorists, and how the American people respond in 2008, this could go down in the history books as one of the greatest failures of Democracy of all time.
Do the American people realize that they just elected, by proxy, Nancy Pelosi as the Speaker of the House? Does ANYONE actually think that’s a good idea? Do you really think that a House and Senate led largely by Democrats who have spent the last 6 years committing character assassination on the President will be capable of working with that President to defend this country from people who want to kill themselves and take us along for the ride?
I am skeptical with a glimmer of hope. The left, now in power, could moderate itself. If they continue in the same vein and the right manages to decide that it does have a worldview, things swing back in 2008. Or we could all be screwed.
***
Either way, even though the recount didn’t happen, I think that this was one of the funniest blogs I’ve posted in a long time, and it got no comments. Did you all just not click on the video link?
On the other hand, this, while also hysterical, really was intended for the very few that I thought would understand the joke, and it is full of comments. My readers are really odd.
Go figure.
***
Iowa State plays Colorado today. It is the second to last game of Colorado coach Dan Hawkins’ first year, and the second to last game of ISU coach Dan McCarney’s last year. The Buffalos are 1-9 this year, the lone victory coming in the Big 12 conference. The Cyclones, 3-7, have no conference wins and are about 17 inches from being 0-10.
The game is not being televised because, well, it’s going to be awful. But I think that if it were on TV, forced viewing would be an excellent way to torture detainees at Gitmo.
I, of course, will be listening voluntarily. Until the men in white coats come for me.
***
Speaking of white coats and odd readers…
I was going to post a picture of the beautiful, snow covered trees in my backyard (it was 70 the day before it snowed – Iowa rocks). But I don’t have a digital camera, so instead I decided to take a picture out of my bedroom window with my webcam, because you wouldn’t be able to distinguish a darn thing, and I thought that would be funny. However, I don’t have the webcam software since I reinstalled Windows, and Creative doesn’t have it online anymore (which should be punishable by death – there is NO reason for that at all).
So instead I am just going to tell you about how pretty it was and link to this. Because I’ve built it up so well that I feel I owe my loyal readers something. And I always get results.
***
Awhile back I shared my newfound love for the band Explosions in the Sky. At the time I didn’t realize that they have a bunch of mp3s available for download on the Albums page of their website. Just click on an album and look for the ‘mp3′ link beside the songs on the window that pops up. Well worth the time if you enjoy music that is too good for radio.
Show Me the Money
Tuesday, October 24th, 2006Who Profits From College Sports? asks the Wall Street Journal.
Apparently Congress is starting to wonder about this big non-profit organization known as the NCAA, and wondering how things like “tax-exempt” and “$545 million basketball TV deal” are ending up in the same sentence. My question? What took so long? The mafia (not that they exist) must be jealous of the NCAA, which has to be the biggest, boldest racket of all time. You know what NCAA REALLY stands for? No Competition, Absolute Authority (wielded with all the grace of a drunken rhino, if I do say so myself).
It’s good that someone is finally asking some questions about this, and it’s good that some changes are on the way, but it’s too bad that the Federal Government is leading the charge, and it’s too bad that no one will make the correction suggestion: it’s time to start paying student athletes. OVER the table. I hate to burst anyone’s bubble, but D-1A College sports are a for-profit business, and the participants are getting paid. For crying out loud, Reggie Bush made more money in his last year at USC than I made in my entire career in the insurance agency. I’ve heard stories from reliable sources of non-star football players at D-1AA schools getting a weekly unofficial stipend of several hundred dollars. If Rhett Bomar and co. were not careless idiots, he would have made $18,000 last summer for NOT WORKING. Even the supposedly squeaky-clean Roy Williams arranged to have players paid cash and given clothes.
Right, right – just because people are breaking the rules doesn’t mean that we should change them. But the widespread disregard for the rules demonstrates that there is a market value for players, and that in a non-regulated climate, they would be fairly compensated for their services. No, a scholarship doesn’t count. Just shut up, you are silly and making yourself look bad. You are arguing that a National Merit Scholar, such as myself, provided as much value to Iowa State in 2000-2001 as Marcus Fizer or Jamaal Tinsley. Yup, that’s absurd. Can we move on?
USC received a $14.9 million payout for appearing in last year’s BCS championship. Well, the conference did. After what the NCAA skimmed off the top. During the Bush/Leinert era, estimates are that USC gained an additional $35 million in football ticket revenue alone. That doesn’t count things like jersey sales and merchandise sales, additional TV revenue, not to mention intangible publicity and recruiting for the University. The top 20 D-1A football programs average a 60% profit margin. 60%. Wall Street execs are, as you read this, weeping at the thought of such gaudy possibilities. USC coach Pete Carroll, making an estimated $2-$3 million annually for the next 4 years, has built quite a personality for himself, but he’s not the reason that USC is averaging over 85,000 in attendance. No, its stars like Bush and Matt Leinert, who get a scholarship that’s worth about $25,000 per year. You do the math.
Bush and Leinert are both going to make lots of money playing in the NFL, but not all of their teammates, who helped generate the money for USC, will get the opportunity. A lot of these guys major in “Football” and minor in “Partying Like a Rock Star,” only 55% of them will graduate (yup, that’s right, half – check the WSJ article), and will leave with not much to show for it. That’s morally reprehensible.
Break up the NCAA. Make it a for-profit and publicly traded. Pay college athletes. Create NFL-style salary caps: combined with already existing factors like playing time, TV exposure, geography, etc. it should HELP parity in D-1 big-time college sports. Create clearly-define ways for boosters to contribute to these caps, or, if they choose, to non-revenue sports, in order to continue to provide scholarships to the real STUDENT-athletes. Enhance the penalties for boosters, players, universities, and, most importantly, COACHES who cheat. If a coach leaves the school, the penalty should follow him. Increasing both rewards and punishments for the players will go a long way to make the system less corrupt than it currently is.
And, seriously, start paying these guys. Watch Bowl Games, watch the Final Four, and tell me that college sports aren’t a real business. They are, so let’s pay the guys creating the revenue. There’s no reason not to.
Sporting Withdrawl
Wednesday, August 30th, 2006How eager am I for the start of the college football season this weekend? Or, for that matter, the return of sports that I care about? (Sorry, baseball). Let me give you an idea: this morning at 5:30am, team USA took on Germany in the quarterfinal round of the FIBA World Championship. I got up so that I could watch the game on ESPN2. Then I went back to bed when it was over. The US won (hooray!), and will play Greece in the semifinals at 5:30am on Friday (mornings – boo!). Don’t worry, I’ll be watching.
Why this sudden, near-fatal obsession? As any sports fan knows, this is the worst time of year to be a sports fan. Games that matter (sorry, baseball) haven’t been played since the NBA Finals (June), or maybe even the NCAA tournament (April). What’s going on in sports besides the dog days of summer baseball? NASCAR and golf, neither of which make particularly riveting television.
I lay extra blame with the WNBA, which, at first glance while channel surfing, APPEARS to be an important sporting event. In fact, if I’m not wearing my glasses, I have a hard time distinguishing the gender of the participants (these ladies, er, women, er, athletes are RIPPED!). Then I watch about 15 seconds of game-play. Talk about a letdown.
I also lay extra blame on the previous US WBC/Olympic team for seriously sucking it up. It’s up to this team, including Iowan and token white guy Kirk Hinrich (who has been kicking serious butt, by the way), to restore the proper balance, by which I mean the United States dominating the world. Yes, elections and politics are important, but this is CRUCIAL. If you don’t understand, well, some things just shouldn’t have to be explained.
So I’ll be up at 5:30am on Friday (or 2:30, depending on which website you believe). If Team USA defeats Greece (which they should), I’ll be up again at 5:30 on September 3rd to watch them play the winner of the Spain/Argentina game. And if they lose, well, I’ll be up at 5:30 on the 2nd to watch them play the loser. Like I said, CRUCIAL. Earth hangs in the balance here, folks, as does my sporting sanity.
Speaking of sanity, how is it that the best 12 players in the NBA don’t know how to break down a 2-3 zone? And how can they not know how to defend a pick-and-roll? I think we should start mandating 2 years of college, and start kneecapping high-school coaches that don’t teach these things. On the plus side, though, since no one is worried about minutes or scoring tons of points, watching many of these guys play defense for the first time in their life has been somewhat enjoyable.
Then, when it’s all done… college football. Thank goodness! At least they have the decency to hold their games in front of crowds with officials that at least attempt to pretend to be consistent. If I see a trapezoidal end zone, somebody is going to have some serious explaining to do.
Drinking and Moping
Monday, June 19th, 2006The headline says it all:
Hawkeye charged with OWI on moped
…According to police reports, Postler was charged around 1:57 a.m. while driving a moped with a passenger. A breath test registered .110…
No word on whether the driver or passenger were wearing helmets.
D-Wade A-mazes
Tuesday, May 30th, 2006Last night, Dwayne Wade of the Miami Heat made one of the most incredible shots I have ever seen in my life. YouTube has nearly identical clips here and here (second one is shorter, but better detail). Anyone who pays any attention at all to sports has probably seen or heard about this shot already (yes, it’s THAT amazing), but I posted this because a) I know that many of my readers don’t pay attention to sports, b) I know that one of my readers (my dad) refuses to acknowledge the existence of the NBA, and c) both a) and b) should witness this amazingness.
In the genetic-non-suprise of the week, I generally agree with my dad about the agony that is NBA basketball. Recently, the league has seemed big, slow, and violent, which is especially awful considering that the run-and-gun has really made a return at the college level recently (see: 2005 NCAA Champions North Carolina). Last year, though, the Phoenix Suns impacted the league in a significant way by shrinking the size of their lineup and running like mad. The ENTIRE TIME.
For some reason, the playoffs have been incredible this year. There is a lot of very young talent (LeBron, Wade, Carmelo Anthony, Gilbert Arenas), and the landscape of the game has changed (Bill Simmons did a very good article explaining this a couple of weeks ago). A late lead is no longer safe. Defense is being played, but muggings are no longer allowed. The NBA has all of a sudden become fun to watch again.
I’m not insisting that you become a playoff junkie for the next 3 months (or however long these things will end up going), but I do think you should watch that Wade lay-up again. Once more. OK. Again. Are you kidding me?